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Hi, miss claire.
Well, stuff is happening, but I'm more at sea that I was before. I hope the Aurors and Rose can make sense of it all because I can't, even after reading the chapter two or three times.
It's all fairly enigmatic. At Rose's flat someone broke in and trashed her papers and files, apparently looking for something, which might be the little file that showed up under Scorpius's pillow with the message that Scorpius should destroy it because "he is looking for it." Who is 'he'? Scorpius thinks the file is from his grandfather, but we are not told what's in it, only that Rose thinks the contents have to do with her investigation into the deaths of the Palmers.
When Rose interviews the members of the Malfoy family, Narcissa and Draco, again the statements tend to be vague. "They are two sides to one coin," and "Is [this thing] related to [that thing]?" If 'Yes', we still don't know how they are related.
Danny's 'interrogation' is just a fishing expedition; the Muggles don't know anything, they are just trying to intimidate Danny.
In the end, Albus and Danny decide to do their own undercover sleuthing, saying it's a risk to Ron and Harry to be involved (though I'm not sure why). The younger generation will have to solve this. Noble words, but I don't think they have much if any plan. Good luck, guys!
Vicki
Snow Foxes
Hi, missclaire. I'm back for another chapter. I wasn't expecting another flashback, but here is one from the time when Danny and Cara were only 6 years old, vacationing in France with their families. AS the children chatter about flying on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower, someone takes their photograph surreptitiously. You wouldn't mention the photograph if it were not important later, so this suggests that the roots of this whole story go way back into their childhoods, and we might see some more brief flashbacks later to recall other little clues.
Anyone listening to the children talking about flying would never have taken anything they said seriously, would they, or believe that Danny really could fly? Does someone from the magical world have their eye on him?
I very much liked the scene where Danny goes to Rose's flat to hire her as a private detective. I recall your saying that this story idea began as a supposed one-shot, but when you went to write it, it expanded to take up more pages than you had expected. I see the signs of that here, and I mean that in a good way. Perhaps your story line is still pretty much what you intended when you had "one-shot" in your mind, but each scene in that story line has become expanded like a marshmallow in the microwave oven as you realize the richness of each scene, each event.
For example, in this scene in Rose's flat, you expand on the uneasy relationship between Danny and Scorpius, the present status of the Malfoy family, the unusual career path that Rose took, and why it was considered surprising. the details of the documents that Rose produces and Danny has to sign, the special quill, everything so business-like... This may have grown out of a single sentence in your plot outline, such as "Danny goes to see Rose, hires her to do some private detective work," and blossomed into this large section of the chapter, putting flesh on the bones, so to speak. This is, in my opinion, a sign of a good story.
The scene with Albus and Lucy in her office has a chaotic feel, and I'm sure the characters were feeling also. "Complete wreck, "emergency meeting," "completely incompetent," "no idea," "panicking." That pretty much sums up the state of affairs. We readers also have no idea and feel completely incompetent, But I'm sure that both we and they will figure it out if we just keep reading.
Why do the Muggles think Danny is a suspect in the murders? Is someone trying to frame him?
I am enjoying your story. So far, you're doing well as a mystery/crime writer. Keep it up!
Vicki
Snow Foxes
Hi, missclaire. It's interesting that you have decided that Alblus is an Auror but he still has difficulty in handling the emotions that come with dealing with someone's death and the necessity of investigating the dead person's life. That would certainly make his job harder, unless he could transfer into a branch of the Aurors that dealt with things like white-collar crime, fraud, and suchlike (if there is such a branch).
What makes it even worse is the effect that this particular group of deaths has on someone who is Albus's very dear friend. You have given the plot a twist already by making this not just another who-dun-it.
Enter Plot Twist #2, the fellow investigator who is a complete jerk. But I am not impressed with the fact that Adam has jumped immediately to an unfounded conclusion that the murders were done by someone who wanted to kill all the Muggles who knew about magic. Come on, Adam. There could be a dozen other theories about why this happened. I could easily come up with several. But Adam is so focused on ingratiating himself with the higher-ups ("Your Father's really taken with my theory...") that he cares more about his own aggrandizement than about the truth. I love the comparison to the McLaggen family. Good touch.
I can see that Lucy is going to be a reluctant but important ally. Allbus seems to be agreeing with Adam's snap judgment as to the motive behind the murders. We shall see.
And poor Danny, being put on the case of the murder of his lifeong dear friend and her parents. I would think that the Auror Office would see his connection to the family and not asign him here, unless he wanted to be on the case, to help solve the murder of his dear friends. But can he be effective in this assignment when he is brought to tears by the sights and odors he encounters in Cara's bedroom? Can he be dispassionate? Can he be trusted not to do something impetuous or foolish? Will he find the stone he gave to Cara so long ago and accidentally activate it? Wow, that would be quite the scene.
You have created a lot of tension here in this chapter. Good job!
Vicki
Snow Foxes
Hi, missclaire!
I'm looking forward to seeing how your first venture intio writing mystery/crime turns out! You've made an excellent start. The structure of this first chapter is unusual -- three separate sections at three different points in time, centered around one very likable kid, Danny Sanford, at three different ages, right before he enters Hogwarts School, then an episode during his first year there, and finally a big jump in time (13 years) to about the year 2030, when Danny is 24 years old and working as an Auror.
It seens clear that this third time period is the beginning of the mystery/crime, and I don't expect that there will be any more big leaps in time, but the first two episodes work well in establishing Danny's character (loyal, straight-shooting, easy-going) and his firm friendship with Albus, who also seems to be a together kind of guy.
Danny's decency and loyalty shine forth in his relationship with Cara, to whom he gives a pretty rock from the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest as a token of his continuing friendship with her. The description of the rock and its location in the eaves of the forest make us wonder if it is the Resurrection Stone, and whether it will be used later to contact someone from the dead.
I wondered about Cara's automobile accident and her subsequent coma. We never got a definitive report on her recovery after the accident -- whether she recovered completely -- but I assumed she did because she was still alive thirteen years later, when we hear the shocking news that someone has murdered her and her parents with the Killing Curse, her father now having risen to the post of Muggle Prime Minister.
You write well. The sentences flow smoothly, and you seem to include just enough detail to depict the setting and the actions without drowning the narrative in long chunks of description that overwhelm the story line (as one sometimes see in stories) or in long sections of describing the characters' thoughts (as one also sometimes sees in stories). You let the characters' words and actions tell us what kind of people they are, and that's good; it makes for a very readable story.
I'm looking forward to seeing how this story tuns out. A very good start!
Vicki
Snow Foxes
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Tasha here for RvG December!
I'm really happy to see an update as it is already one of my favourite stories at the moment.
This is a really well thought out and clever story. It is clear that so much work and research has gone into crafting this. Rather than skim over the politics and get on with the investigation, you’ve really created an interesting world. I loved the clash between the magic and muggle world, it made a really great contrast and I liked the conflict. I also think this is something that really would crop up a fair bit to be honest and I'm surprised that I've never read anything like this before!
Once again, I love the dual POV between Albus and Danny. It's interesting to find out their motivations in this chapter. Albus is a great friend, really looking for justice and wanting to solve it for his best mate and Danny's just heartbroken. You really did well with showing not telling here, especially at the end.
Their co-worker is a piece of work and I felt like Albus as I was reading it. All gritted teeth and clenched fists. Please tell me he gets a good hexing at some point? Ha!
I read your note about Cara and Petunia and I've never thought about things that way before. Now you've got me thinking!
Tasha x
Author's Response:Wow, I am so glad to hear that you love this story!!! I actually just checked out your story on a Walking Cliche and will definitely review soon (spoiler: I LOVE IT). It makes me so happy to know that you love the details on the politics. This story isn't entirely about the politcal aspect of it, but I definitely wanted it to play a big role in this because everyone's working at the Ministry.
One of the reasons why I love 3rd person is because it allows me to switch between POVs easily and I've definitely been experimenting more with this. Abus and Danny definitely have a very different personality and how they go about doing this is very different as well. Perhaps one of the reasons they are such good friends is because opposites attract!
Adam Aldrige is a character that I almost (ALMOST) forgot about as I was planning the rest of the fiction and was so mad at myself that I almost forgot him. He represents the other side of the Auror Department that Albus and Danny doesn't see, which is the side of the Auror department that is very much there for the hierarchy, working with the rest of the departments, and not "cutting across the lines" as Albus is attempting to do with Lucy. He will come back at some point for sure to show the plot point of how the Auror Department deals with this!
When I was building Cara's character, it suddenly made me realize that Petunia gave me a LOT of inspiration. I felt that I never got closure with her character in the original series, and I just wanted more. I think Cara is my way of bringing closure haha
Hey there! Here to support a fellow Gryffindor and for RvG December Go GOLD!
Okay, so you changed POV, as you said you would in your response to my review of chapter 1. To be honest, I think I liked Danny’s POV better than Albus’. It might just be that I need to get used to Albus... though on a positive note that means that you did a good job getting me attached to Danny!
This chapter feels like you’re establishing interpersonal relationships. I can tell Albus really cares about Danny. The depth of their friendship can be seen by how worried Albus is. He’s lingering over photos and various objects in the Palmer house, perhaps more than if the Palmers were strangers or random people with no connection to Albus. He’s also defensive when Aldridge makes snide comments about Danny.
I’m really interested to learn more about how thd Wotter family dynamics play out at work. Harry Potter can’t play favorites, and Albus knows that. I think he understands that he can’t name drop, yet using his name and family might get him some answers. It’s quite the dilemma. I can only imagine how hard it must be to work for your extremely famous father.
A critique i have would be that be that I don’t really feel the hate for Aldridge. Most of his words aren’t nasty in of themselves. Like if you change his tone and eliminate the eye roll and snort, those words could be concerned. I do get that it’s annoying that he didn’t let Albus speak and that he rubbed his theory in Albus’ face. But Albus was absolutely furious when Aldridge walked away. I guess I’m saying that I as the reader didn’t feel that anger. Maybe it’s a case of show vs tell. Or maybe their backstory is a significant factor, and we don’t have the full story yet.
I like that you have Lucy as a supporting character. She’s a Next Gen character that is frequently overlooked and not included or is a minor character that’s weird and quiet or intense like Percy. I’m interested to see her character development.
I’m also curious to learn more about why Danny didn’t get that Cara liked him. And now it’s just sad because she’s dead and he can’t even apologize, much less return her feelings. Speaking of romantic feelings, does Lucy like Danny? She said she wasn’t here/caring because of Albus but rather Danny.
Author's Response:Good to know you love Danny's POV! I wrote Albus in a way that was deliberately... prickly at some points. It gets some taking used to his personality, contrasted with Danny's personality that is a lot sweeter. I will definitely explain more about Albus as the story gets on, but I think out of all the characters, you are definitely supposed to not like him as much, so there is that!
The Wotter dynamics at the Auror department and in the Ministry are 100% going to be coming back in full swing. As a small spoiler, we won't be spending all of our time inside the walls of the Ministry but we will see how as things progress worse and worse, the Wotters have a very interesting way of resolving things that may or may not get them in a spot of trouble. What do you do when your family is huge and you're related to all of the most powerful people in the wizarding community? Very tricky for sure!
I love your critique of Aldridge! To be honest, I actually didn't think too much about that aspect, but Aldridge does represent the part of the Auror Department and Ministry that is unrelated to the Wotters and is not friends with them in any way. He will come back later to play a role, and I will definitely keep what you said in mind!
Lucy is one of my FAVORITE characters! I had always envisioned her in Albus and Rose's year and getting overlooked the most. I don't know why, but I wanted to write her character in a way that is reflective of the possibilities that come with Audrey Weasley. We don't know anything about her, and it leaves so much room for potential on what traits Lucy may have gotten from Audrey rather than Percy!
Danny is just dense at this point HAHA! To be honest, I don't imagine that men deal too well with emotions (I'm really just looking at how Ron and Hermione handled their relationship 6th year), and Danny is too sweet of a person to look too deeply into things. I will definitely talk about Lucy and Danny and I'm actually glad you picked up on it! There is a reason why Danny is so openly accepted by the rest of the Wotters and it does have something to do with Lucy, to be revealed in a future chapter!
Tasha here for the November RvG reviews.
I love this already! We so often read about the Cloak, but to bring another Hallow into the mix is really interesting. Especially when that Hallow ends up in the Muggle world. I've never thought of that happening before, so I think this is going to be a really cool story.
I really loved the opening section with Danny and Cara when they were young and best friends. It felt very authentic as it really did feel like two young children having a conversation and I always find that really challenging. Also, time jumps often feel a little clunky and awkward, but here they were done very well.
The characters seem very fleshed out already, with the mention of Cara's rock collection brought into it. It's nice to have a little backstory with characters outside of the Wizarding world who we don't often see. I also liked how Danny kept that little bit of information to himself and didn't tell Albus. I'm looking forward to finding out if they ever did become friends again and if that rock had something to do with the car accident.
Looking forward to reading more of this! Tasha x
Author's Response:I'm SO glad to hear that the time jump wasn't awkward! I wanted to set the setting as much as possible, almost like in a movie, and I'm glad that you liked how it was done! Writing them as children took me several gos and a lot of edits because I kept wanting to use really adult words, and then I made them sound too immature, and it was a difficult balance to strike!
Danny definitely has the parts of himself that are conflicted about his happy life in the Muggle world versus his life in the Wizarding world. For him at the time, the two things were very separate and it definitely affects how he views things in the future.
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it! XOXO
Hey there! Saw this and thought I'd stop by! First of all, I just want to comment on this line: "That was the first lie Danny ever told." I don't know, it just really struck me when I read it. Like the implication was that Danny went on in life to lie more? Lying is bad, yes, but part of me went like, "Oho ho ho. What did Danny go on to lie about??" If I could raise just one eyebrow, I would have at that moment.
I'm intrigued by your story layout. This isn't the traditional boy-goes-to-hogwarts story. If my math is correct, this chapter ends when Danny's 24. From what I can gather, the main points are: 1) Danny and muggle childhood friend "broke up" and she got into a car accident and entered into a coma before they could make up; 2) The Wotter kids are hesitant to trust others, with the exception of people who aren't familiar with their family's history. So muggle-borns like Danny; 3) Albus and Danny went on to be aurors, though not James; 4) the rock. Is that the resurrection stone, hmm? (I'm assuming so from your end notes?) 5) Cara's murder by the killing curse. Who did it? Why? Is Danny somehow involved?
As for Danny Sanford, first of all, I like his last name. It just has a ring to it. I can tell that Danny is a good friend. It breaks his heart to have to tell Cara that she can't come to Hogwarts. Since he continued being friends with Albus through Hogwarts and after Hogwarts and work in the same department, I'm assuming that they've had a steady friendship. I think then that Danny's loyal (doesn't use his friendship with Wotters for his own advantage. If he did, I think they would stop being friends with him). He seems funny and laid-back.
Alwynse. RvG November. Go GOLD!
Author's Response:Danny certain has a very interesting journey ahead of him. I deliberately wanted to start out with him because a lot of Albus' actions later on are either because of Danny or for Danny. I'm glad you raised an eyebrow at that because I really do want to raise that question, and keep you thinking about it!
The timeline of the story definitely will take place when Albus and Danny are 24, but there are a lot of details that we will get to see in a Flashback to explain what hapenned. As I was plotting this out and writing, I rather like the format of extended flashbacks in the beginning of the story to set the foundations but I didn't want to actually set the story from when they were kids. I really wanted the plot to go ahead and move along.
It actually took me so long to think about Danny's name because I wanted something that would really show off his personality. He's very loyal as a Gryffindor would be, but his personality is distinctly different than Albus. As the chapters get on, I hope to be able to show a vast difference in how they approach a problem. If Albus's thinking is along the lines of a circle, then Danny is a triangle. Very different indeed!
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
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