ESPN: To establish sovereignty over the upstart male, Gourami One prepares for battle. He puckers and unpuckers his lips as he swims laps around the dimly lit aquarium, warming up both his fins and his labium. When he feels ready, he faces his opponent, his taunting thoughts written all over his face: you’re just this scrawny, translucent thing decked out in an effeminate pink-grey, and I will end you. They stare each other down—not an easy task, as their eyes are plastered directly onto the sides of their two-dimensional bodies!

Yes! The two hot-blooded fighters have begun puckering their lips, the intensity of their blinkless staring contest still on the rise! Our two gourami circle around one another with tantalizing self-control, almost daring the other to strike fir—

They’ve done it! The battle is on! Gourami One, impatient with his junior’s lazy lounging, snaps into the central circle and is now aggressively kissing Gourami Two to assert dominance! Only time will determine the overall winner—after the break.