Mental Health Awareness Week
It's Mental Health Awareness Week and I have really been struggling. (Trigger warning for content just to be safe)
That takes a lot of courage for me to admit. I've had a huge setback this week and have been feeling very overwhelmed, very worthless, and very low. My usual coping mechanisms have done nothing for me and I have barely been able to sleep at night because of intrusive thoughts. I even had to call upon some fandom friends through twitter because I was having urges to hurt myself.
But you know what? It's okay. It's important for me to admit that I am in a bad place so I can then call upon help. I attend counselling sessions every week and they are amazing. My therapist is so patient with me, is incredibly encouraging, and makes me feel like I am wanted and that I can achieve my goals. There is zero pressure, zero judgement (everything I am subject to in my home) and it is wonderful. She understands how important writing is to me as an outlet and a hobby, and we talk about my stories often because I pour out a lot of my own feelings into them.
Harry Potter is such an important part of my recovery. Knowing J.K Rowling has suffered depression is massive for me, a reminder that I am valid and that I can still achieve my dreams even with my illness. Depression and anxiety do not define me, they are along for the ride but they are not in control. It's a constant battle but I know my worth and I know they lie. Reading the books, watching the movies, writing my stories - they all help me process trauma and my bad days. Some might call it unhealthy, call it weird, call it an obsession, but to me, it's a lifeline. I genuinely don't know if I'd still be here on this earth without Harry Potter.
My anxiety is mostly stable but it surfaces in waves. I've had three mild panic attacks this week, one of which resulted in a migraine which was really horrible. I got overwhelmed at having guests over without prior warning and it triggered me. Then when I tried to explain to my parents why I didn't want to do certain things they got defensive, argumentative, and decided the best way to handle my breakdown was to take away my phone and laptop and cut me off from my coping mechanisms. Needless to say that just made everything worse.
My depression has been hell this week. I'm currently experiencing writer's block which I loathe with a passion. Then my sleeping pattern is all over the place and my insomnia has struck again. I've been really withdrawn and just not wanted to participate in anything, and I've missed appointments without even cancelling. It really hasn't been a good week. I've been angry at myself for relapsing, angry at the world, upset because I'm constantly tired, upset because I want people to care but they don't. I've been binging comfort food then not eating regular meals. I've barely showered this week.
Then on top of that, it's Cursed Child London Cast Change this weekend and then my birthday next Tuesday. So my emotions are everywhere and I know I'm supposed to be excited and grateful for my birthday but I'm just not finding anything to be excited about. It really sucks.
But, I can acknowledge my struggles and acknowledge that I need some help and accept that. Talking about mental illness so people can actually understand and not judge is so important! I get labelled as lazy and selfish by family members and it's just horrible - I don't want to feel like this you know! I'd give anything to be without my mental illness but I'm stuck with it and have to work through it. Small steps.
If you know anyone this week who is struggling, who is stressed, who is not how they usually are, please listen to them. Tell them that you love them and that you are there for them. It can really make all the difference in the world.
Kate
xox
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