one thing that's stayed with me ever since i was a kid was sports and working out. not for the sake of the workout, but for the sake of feeling in control of my body and the endorphins that i would get after i pushed myself hard.

i was on a swim team for eight years, i did karate, i did horseback riding, played handball, ran for the sake of, again, pushing myself (there weren't track teams and such things at my school. we didn't even have a proper gym or proper outdoor fields (all of them were concrete <.<) so a lot of our PE classes were makeshift-y), i ski, i played tennis very briefly, i even did zumba because one of my friends wanted some company, i go to the gym, i own an elliptical on which i spend a lot of time when i'm home (it's how i manage to watch a lot of my favourite series).

and even at my most darkest, it's the thing that makes me happy, no matter how briefly, i feel better after i tire myself out. sort of drown out the bad thoughts, i guess. i use it to de-stress after work, it's one of my favourite ways of letting out anger, especially after a difficult work day. the attitude i have is not particularly healthy because it would be better to talk some things out, instead of yelling and instead of making myself physically let things out, but it's the way that briefly works for me. talking about my issues isn't really something i do.

exercise is healthy, we all know that, but for me, this is almost like having a high. it's good but it's not good at least it's better than some of the things i sometimes do. but that's for another entry.