trigger warning for depression/suicide

I kind of dropped off the face of the earth lately. And i love this site and it's members, so i guess i am writing this because i want you all to know that my absence has not been because i care any less than i ever have about this community.

I have found life immensely hard and overwhelming over the past months. This is profoundly stupid, because i am very privileged and fortunate in pretty much every regard, and my life in objective terms is pretty damn easy. When people ask me what's wrong or what happened, the answer is usually... nothing. Nothing happened, there's no logical or even concrete reason for me to feel shitty. I am familiar with this scenario; i was diagnosed with depression at 16. But it's felt worse this year, and i really can't say why. I also think i probably have ADHD. I'm trying to get diagnosed so i can figure out more effective treatment, but of course i can't get an appointment until February. In the meantime, let me tell you, there's no vicious cycle quite as pointless as hating yourself and then hating yourself for hating yourself... Unless it's feeling overwhelmed to such an extent that instead of doing everything on your mile-long to do list, you do none of the things, and wind up even more overwhelmed the next day. Between the self-hating and the overwhelm, i have spent a very large quantity of time face down on the couch. Cue verdict: My life isn't bad at all - but i am. 

It is amazing how exhausting lying face down on the couch is when it overlaps with trying to ignore suicidal thoughts. 

This year, for the first time in the history of my mental illness, i had an actual "how to" plan for suicide. That extra bit of knowing has been scary. It is frightening to feel like i can't trust my own brain to protect me. It is demoralizing to feel like my morale will never really improve. And it is tempting to believe that i am merely immature and self-pitying, and that none of these experiences are valid. It's hard to feel like the intrusive thoughts aren't my own fault when there's a part of my brain that craves that self-flagellation. I know it makes no sense, but self-loathing is the habit wired into me. It's my emotional home. 

I don't know where i'm going with this. I suppose the point is, i'm sorry that in battling with my emotional home, i neglected my (much lovelier) internet home. That was never my intention. I'm especially sorry to my fellow staffers and to my darling Puffs. I told you - whether explicitly or implicitly - that you could count on me, and it turned out to be a lie. There is a part of me that thinks i should step away, that if i can't be relied upon, i shouldn't even try. (And to anyone who has chosen to step away from this or from anything for the sake of their health, I am so glad you made the choice that was right for you. ) But i can't do that. For me, that would be letting the illness win, and if i did that... Well, then i would be truly scared for myself. Of myself. 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE (because please, please let there be one), i'm on break now from work and hopefully i will have some time to find my footing. And i am immensely lucky and get to see at least 4 HPFTers in person over the break. I think I can say, with cautious optimism, that I am finding my way back here.

title is a reference to Dear Evan Hansen.