aka a strangely self-reflective and not very organized analysis of my relationship with bts and their music, which you wouldn’t generally think to be a topic for a blog at all (at least with the perspective i speak from).

i would put this into a diary or possibly talk it out with someone but i’m not in the mood for either of those so posting it onto a forum with people i trust not to drag me within an inch of my life seems to be the next best move, right? usually i’d probably explore this with one of my characters but i kind of only want to do that with teddy, and well, you can’t have everything you want in a story. thus, this was born.

anyways, i might as well begin. i think i got into bts literally like four years ago, and since then it’s been… a slightly rocky journey where i feel like it shouldn’t be. i really am a big fan of theirs (so much so that my friends have noticed and have begun to tease me for it), and i’ve been listening to their music nonstop.

yoongi in particular has been helpful in understanding my own experiences, and yet. there are some hidden gems out there that i either haven’t listened to or avoid listening to. i found that really odd, cause like, who avoids listening to music? and it’s not even the darker ones, like ‘the last’ or ‘interlude: shadow’, but rather the happier ones that sometimes feel like too much for me.

as i’ve gotten into uni, i’ve had a lot more time to think about myself and try to figure out who i really am i guess, which includes sorting out my kind of weird ass anger and jealousy that i’ve felt when i see bts or armys on twitter. this sounds ridiculous, i know.

as i've gotten deeper into it, i am slowly coming to the realization that my anger when i see bts is actually a bit more human than i thought (cause i feel like it's hard to get angry at bts, they've done nothing wrong yet), and i'm actually slightly ashamed, because feelings? don't know her. but i digress. it turns out that what i am really angry at is just bts' relationship with each other, as well as other armys. i don't know. first of all, bts' relationship among themselves is just so... strong. they all have each other, and they can go through the hardships of life knowing that they have each other to lean on. this relationship is very similar to the one between armys and bts. (i was jealous of dan and phil for this exact reason, though i was more naive back then—if i am oblivious about my feelings now, then i was even more so) and... i guess that feel isolated from all of that, and i feel incredibly jealous that i don't have that when i see it. all of these things they say, about how they love armys and how they're the reason why they came so far, it just doesn't feel like it includes me? or maybe, i don't allow myself to be a part of it because it doesn't feel like i've done anything, or maybe i just don't deserve the feeling of belonging. it's sort of really odd to be in this sort of situation without there being an immediate solution for it, and it's kind of eating away at me. i just really hate having to live with it, because i don't think i'm going to be finding those ride or die friends anytime soon. 

and for this reason, i also avoided listening to boy with luv ft. halsey for this reason, because their relationship is the most wholesome i've seen in a while, and it kind of kills me that i don't have it yet. (or maybe i'm too shortsighted to see what's in front of me).

another thing i've noticed is how vehemently i've avoided tour info for bts (although it's hard sometimes because i follow many army accounts and it's too overwhelming to go through my follow list and unfollow). i guess what i've always said is that i could never go to a bts concert because they never come close enough to me, and i could live with that. but on their most recent tour, they're actually coming to my state, and i have... mixed feelings. like they're actually very close to me, and it's mostly doable for me to go. but now that they're here, i realize that i'm avoiding that too. 

in a fever dream at 2am, i think i pretty much said that i'm afraid i have too high expectations for myself and them, in that i want to be a better and more daring person before i go to a concert and i want to not rely on them to fix all my problems and stuff, which is pretty awful of me to ask for. and then, since my expectations are so high, i wonder whether i put that up there to avoid something as well? now that i'm in uni and away from my parents, i can't use them as the reason i didn't have much of childhood anymore (most of which i just don't remember anyways) or didn’t do many things children got to do, and it this point it's really just me holding myself back from doing the things that i really, really want to. and i don't know what i want to do, and hell, i even told my friend that i don't care about finding what exactly makes my soul ignite with passion and determination or whatever like bts tells me to. i really just don't care about a lot of things anymore, except for this one weirdly specific thing that somehow stems back to childhood traumas, and how i’m more passive in my life rather than an active part. it was never supposed to go back that far. and i really don't want to go their concert because i'm afraid of this (and everything else) not being what i expect them to be, and i think that's slightly kind of messed up.

i very much feel like i'm at a roadblock right now, but i think at least writing this out helped me sort out my very complicated feelings. if you made it to the end, then thank you.