Dan (cambangst) sent me a tweet recently which read (in part):

“You wrote one of the all-time classics in the HPFF genre. I can’t even imagine how that feels, although I’d love to find out.”

And this got me thinking. How exactly does that feel? How did it feel at the time? And how does it feel now?

Well. First of all, let me say that there is no hard and fast rule as to why one story becomes ridiculously popular and another doesn’t. Timing, perhaps. A particular turn of phrase of the author. Meeting a need that is there at that point in time. Platform. Updating schedule. These sorts of things can all play a role, though to what degree is something I can’t claim to have any idea of. All I know is that, ten or so years ago, I was writing and posting a story on HPFF  that became extremely popular at the time.

(Side note: We’re a long way removed from that time now so if you’re not aware, the story I’m referring to is How to tame a Marauder (M), shortened from here on in to HTM.)

It was very time consuming. I was posting 5000-word chapters weekly or thereabouts, and also responding to every review before the next chapter was posted. The story was mostly already written so there wasn’t an awful lot to do there, but I did spend an inordinate amount of time on that website making sure that everything was up to date. And maybe the fact that I did respond to every review before the next chapter was posted had something to do with its popularity. Who knows?

The thing is, when your read count is going up by 10,000+ every week, as mine was for a while, and when you are getting 50-100 reviews for each chapter you post, you don’t mind spending time on the site. There is very little that makes you feel more validated than that kind of response. And I won’t deny it. I loved it. I got a little thrill every time I received a new review, and I loved that when I posted a new blog entry and linked to it on Twitter, I could go to the site a minute later and see all the guests who were reading what I’d had to say.

Ten years ago, I was kind of a big deal.

There were down sides, of course. I’m an introvert and struggle with being the centre of attention, for one thing. The fact this was all online mitigated that to a fair extent, but imposter syndrome is alive and well, let me tell you. I didn’t *feel* better than the people I interacted with on the site. Sure, I might have had more creative writing experience than some, but then I was in my 30s and half the site seemed to be teenagers, so one would have to expect that. Some people found me extremely intimidating, too, not because our interactions led them to that, but because my name alone meant they were scared to interact with me in the first place. I made some wonderful friends, but I probably missed out on a few as well who just weren’t game to say hello.

Fast forward to now, and things are quite different. HPFF closed down, and was then resurrected, but without our permission, so I deleted my stories from that site. The original story at its original home is no more, and with it has gone the visual reminder that it had 1.5 million hits and 4000 reviews (or whatever it was). I’ve updated it with new canon and put it on HPFT and also on AO3, but it’s an old story now. One that people might have heard of, and it might be on their to-read lists, but it’s not current anymore. It’s not a big deal. It’s just there.

In Bridget Jones’ Diary, there is a character who is a friend of Bridget’s who was a one-hit wonder back in the day with a ridiculously popular song, but has since fallen by the wayside a bit. And that is a fair description of me, in its own way. Sure, I’ve written other stuff in the fandom, but nothing as long or involved as HTM was. I had a long hiatus where I wasn’t part of the fandom at all. And now I’m back, and I’m contributing, but I’m just another face in the crowd. I’m nothing special. And, you know, that’s okay. I’m happy to pass the baton to the newer generation of writers and fade into the background a bit. But I can’t deny that there is a part of me that misses the adulation, just a little bit.

But the other thing is, HTM was a story that I felt I needed to write. The novel that’s sat on my author page for two years unfinished is a story that I wanted to write. They’re two different things. The need just isn’t there anymore, and I’m sure that’s reflected in my prose and story structure. So it’s more than just possible that the stuff I’m churning out on HPFT now simply isn’t as good. Or, even if it is, it’s not meeting enough of the criteria I listed earlier – meeting a need, timing, platform, updating schedule, or whatever else it is that means a story hits that collective nerve.

But, you know, I’ve been there now. I know what it feels like. And maybe, subconsciously, I keep writing and keep contributing to the fandom in the vain hope that I’ll hit it again some day. After all, you never know.