Trigger Warning for Eating Disorder / Depression / Anxiety 


So this is something I've been spending the past few weeks coming to terms with. I have an eating disorder. Most of my symptoms fit under Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but because they don't fit solidly within just BED then I have what is termed OSFED or Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder. Turns out I have been dealing with this for a number of years and it has just gone unnoticed by myself (ironically a mental health advocate who has done countless workshops on eating disorders among other MH difficulties) and others and it's been quite a shock. 

It's Eating Disorders Awareness Week here in the U.K. and it's hitting a bit differently this year. In years past, I have helped to deliver workshops to students on different types of eating disorders, helped to raise money for eating disorder charities, and been moved by the stories of people speaking out about their personal experience. This year I fall under the umbrella of those with personal experience. It's been difficult to process. Once you know and you start tracking back behaviours and patterns over the years and you're just like FUDGE, yes I have had this for a while. Anyone else *that* person that is quite good at giving advice and listening to others but terrible at applying it to yourself???  

One of the biggest things other than coming to terms with the fact that I have eating difficulties was plucking up the courage to get help. My GP helped me realise my behaviours fell under OSFED, but it was me who took the steps to ask questions, raise concerns, seek answers, and to even tell my family. Telling my family was SO FREAKING HARD. My dad took me out for breakfast one Friday morning and after debating for ages whether or not to say anything,, I just sort of blurted it out. But it felt good! And now my family are supporting me by helping me find the best treatment options. I'm actually visiting an ED Clinic on Friday 6th March to see if it is a good fit for me. If it is, there is a chance I can be booked in for a 4 week stay within the coming months. This is HUGE. I've never had inpatient treatment for anything in my life before - not even my asthma. 

I am scared. I'm absolutely terrified. 

But I'm also hopeful and quite excited? I want this. I know now that I need help but more importantly I have accepted it. I spoke out to my family and they are helping me. I've also told a few close friends so they can support me too and they let me know every day that I am not alone.

Recovery is never linear. There will be good and bad times ahead. But I'm ready. 
I want to beat this thing!  


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Also, as a little reward to myself, I'm wanting to get a tattoo when I finish that 4 weeks treatment. I am more than my struggles and more than my eating disorder,, and I would love a permanent reminder on my skin that I can look at every day and be proud.