DECEASED: CLEMENTINE LI FOUND PROSTRATE IN HIGH SCHOOL QUAD
By Hildegard Kaur
[Op-Ed]

The Stonewall Gazette is pleased to announce the death of one of our very own students, Clementine Li. Some of you may know her as the grumpy old grandmotherly witch who fattens up the freshmen with fresh-baked muffins. More likely, though, is that more of you recognize her as the bag of laziness who spends all her school hours sprawled ungracefully across the senior lounge couch. (Clearly, the prostrate position is nothing new to her.)

At approximately 2:57 p.m. yesterday afternoon, an alarmed freshman came sprinting to my locker. Breathless, the freshman (who has requested to remain anonymous, for fear of being sued for slander) showed me a truly breathtaking image—snapshotted by the newest Google Pixel camera, so you know it’s good quality—of the esteemed Ms. Li faceplanted on the quad, her backpack facing the sky proudly. Beside her is a swarm of goggling students, likely theorizing how such a short human with a center of mass so close to the ground ever managed to topple herself.

I give you the answer: she forgot to tie her shoelaces.

FRIEND OR FOE: TOMATOES WITH SUGAR
By Hildegard Kaur
[Op-Ed]

After my last op-ed about the tragic tripping incident, I received a great deal of negative feedback, which rather shocked me because I truly had no idea that anyone ever read the school newspaper. Some snippets of feedback (received via text): “HILDE MKSDLSJ” and “i literally hate you” and “utterly humiliating” and “my mom is shARING THIS ON WECHAT.”

I am pleased to note that it appears my article is going minorly viral in the Chinese mom community.

Tomatoes with sugar: okay or not okay? A certain friend (a certain Tangerine) introduced the concept to me recently, and I simply cannot get behind such abhorrent mutilation of a wannabe fruit. Though, she did force-feed me, and it ended up being...quite delicious. But the very substance of my soul rebels against the very idea!

Discuss.

MISSING: CLEMENTINE LI
[Feature]

Hey, everyone.

I don’t know how many of you are still subscribed to the online version of our newspaper, especially since we’re all at a major turning point in our lives, with college right around the corner. But I really need help. I know I write about Clementine Li excessively (though to all of you whiners out there, I hope you feel immensely guilty for what I’m about to say), but this article is really serious. 

Clementine has disappeared. Her mom is gone, too. I am really worried that something bad happened to both of them because Clementine is not answering any of my calls or texts—I don’t know exactly when this happened because we don’t text every day, but it was likely around early July sometime. It’s been almost three weeks, and ever since I returned from Mexico I’ve been pounding at their door. The police refuse to help because Clementine’s mom is gone, as well, which means they “must be on a trip,” or something. Fucking useless.

Please, if any of you have seen or talked to her recently, if she’s given any indication of where she might be, please let me know. I know her college orientation begins this month, which she wouldn’t miss for the world. Please.

Sincerely,
Hildegard