Trigger Warning for mentions of eating disorders, addiction, anxiety, and depression.

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It's August 11th and the U.K. has been in lockdown for the majority of five months.

Five months. Something nobody anticipated at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve/Day, that's for sure. I myself was actually in residential eating disorder treatment at a rehab centre when the U.K. first went into lockdown mid-March. It was a scary concept but as I'd already been in therapy for a week, I was lucky to have a daily routine to stick to, and goals to focus on. The only way lockdown immediately effected me there was being unable to have visitors, but I received so many letters from loved ones it was actually bearable.

Mid-April, when I was discharged, was a whole different ballgame. Lockdown hadn't existed when I was admitted, and at most we would watch the panic-buying frenzy on the news as we joked the pandemic wasn't going to become a reality. My dad drove me 150 miles to the rehab centre and on the way we didn't have to take anything for granted - be it stopping for coffee, being stuck in traffic, or travelling to be admitted with a bunch of strangers in the first place. On the way home a month later, the roads were absolutely dead, we couldn't stop off anywhere, and we even carried a stamped note from the rehab centre to give to any authorities that stopped us to show we had a valid reason to travel. 

Now, four weeks in rehab for eating disorder treatment had been intensive. I'd been torn apart and rebuilt, I'd made friends with fellow addicts, I realised there was a lot of anger and guilt that had been buried for years. One thing my ed therapist repeatedly told me was that she wanted to see me angry because I just wasn't due to overwhelming guilt. I wouldn't allow myself to be angry at those who hurt me. Eating disorder treatment isn't about food, that's just the substance of choice which could be alcohol, etc. Ed treatment is about facing the emotions you avoid when using the control over food to ignore them. I got excited in therapy when I cried because that meant progress.

Back at home, it screeched to a halt. Lockdown tore everything away, from my GP appointments to therapy access and instead gave me panic attacks when I engaged with replacement online meetings. Looking at yourself on camera and knowing other people are also seeing you on camera when you have body dysmorphia and you're even in the meeting for eating disorder recovery is really not great at all. 

So my mental health has suffered greatly, and even though I've been in ed recovery for 21 weeks (almost six months!) I've also relapsed twice. I grew more and more ashamed that I couldn't stick to my routine, spending more days in bed, forgetting self-care, and the eating plan was right out of the window. There's a saying that you can't expect to recover in the same environment you got sick, and well, I can say that's true. 
Not being able to see any of my friends was horrific. I have a few close friends and they are my confidantes before any of my family, and knowing I couldn't meet any of them and escape the house just made my mood worse. When you're stuck in the depression and ed relapse cycle, it feels almost impossible to escape. I live in a rural area anyway so you add lockdown to it and it's like being cut off indefinitely from civilisation. It really plays havoc with you. 

Even though U.K. Lockdown is mostly being lifted, it's a major struggle for me to leave the house or even do anything productive. I live with my parents because I cannot live on my own, and all my parents do is heavily allude to kicking me out because I should have my life together. That itself is difficult to deal with when you already consider yourself a waste of space. I don't ask for my mental health difficulties and I certainly didn't ask for my eating disorder. When you live with people who do not give you compassion, or that praise you for engaging in ed behaviour because they don't understand it's wrong, it really creates an atmosphere where recovery is seemingly impossible. Most days I don't know how I'm going to ever get back my rehab routine other than getting admitted again - which can't happen anyway because of finances so I need to go through my GP, except the whole thing is thrown off because of current restrictions and my anxiety just goes NOPE, BACK TO BED. 

I still have all of my rehab assignments and journal though, so maybe I need to study all of that a little bit everyday and get my voice back. Wish me luck!  

One last thing! Here is a little mantra we said every day in rehab after therapy sessions.
Using God as you may or may not understand Him, Her, Them, It:

~ The Serenity Prayer ~

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep coming back
it works if you work it,
so work it, you're worth it, 
All of us.