Hi friends,

If you aren't in a good place mental health-wise, this might not be the best blog to read right now. I just wanted to write out what I'm feeling at the moment, and this is the place I go to do that.

So, I've mentioned to some of you that I'm very close to my grandpa. He just turned 96 last week, and up until the last few months, he was doing really well. He's always been in better shape than other people his age. But in July, he had a health scare with his pacemaker, and things haven't really looked up since then. He's struggled with other health issues and we don't know what exactly is going on. Then last night, he felt so sick that he asked to be taken to the emergency room. So he's now checked into the hospital and we're awaiting news on what might be wrong with him. Initial scans indicate an aggressive cancer though.

So now I'm facing the end of his life more firmly than I ever have before. And don't get me wrong, I know he's had a long and happy life, and I know he's "ready" if this is a terminal situation. But it's just so hard to think of not having him in my life anymore. We're so, so close, and he's such an important part of me.

I've been down here for 8 days, helping him around the house and helping my dad who's also here assisting Grandpa. There's so much anxiety associated with this situation, though, and I feel like shit that I almost want to not be here. I know that I'm needed and I know that it's good that I'm here, but it's so hard to go through all of this. I miss my husband and my kitty baby, both of whom ground me and keep me sane when life gets hard. But missing them makes me feel like a terrible person, since it means I'm not really focusing on being here. I'm just so tired all the time...

And, of course, all of this is also affecting my writing. I have two challenges I'm supposed to submit by August 31, but my inspiration is absolutely shot. I really want to write, but I can't bring myself to put fingers to keyboard and actually get anything out of my head. Instead I'm drowning in my own stress and anxiety and exhaustion.

So that's where I'm at right now. Struggling. I just wanted to write this all out and let you know where I'm at, especially in the off-chance I disappear for a few days. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks as always for reading.