So, to start: I wrote this blog entry two months ago and have delayed posting it. Knowing it's still relevant, though, I think it's time for it to go up and for me to step back a bit. Thank you as always for your understanding.

tw: loss/death, grief, depression, anxiety

Hi friends,

I feel bad that I always seem to be using this blog as a place to talk about the negative things in my life...but, alas. I just wanted to touch base with all you lovely people before I disappear for a bit. See, I've been in a really nightmarish mental health place for the last few months. I guess if I'm honest, it's really been the last eight months, but it's gotten a lot worse the last four or five.

I'm seeing a therapist (I'm a huge proponent of therapy and/or psychiatry depending on your personal mental health needs—I have a therapist and I'm on medication for my depression, anxiety, and OCD.), but I kind of want to write about what's been going on with me here too. I see this community as a safe space on the internet, and I really appreciate all of you. So, here's the gist:

• The biggest thing is that I lost my grandpa in September. We were so, so close and I miss him so much. I held his hand as he took his last breath. And that's burned in my mind and I just can't stop seeing it. 
• I've been unemployed (except freelancing) for over a year, which is causing me all sorts of depression and feelings of inadequacy.
• I've been feeling really strongly that I'm a bad writer. At least when it comes to Collateral, I feel totally stuck. It's been years since I started editing it, but it just feels like I keep coming upon bigger and bigger hurdles and I don't know how to overcome them. Sometimes it makes me want to scrap the whole thing, but I really did love it at one point and I really hope to love it again someday. But more than that, I just don't feel inspired to write very often anymore, and that makes me sad. I miss having something I really loved to do.
• Everything just...hurts. I don't know. I just feel so bogged down with all the feelings swarming my head and sometimes I just can't get up in the mornings. I end up staying in bed and just trying to hold myself together. Sometimes I'm successful; sometimes, not so much.

I think that's about it. Well, the short version at least.

What this comes to is that I know I've been pretty absent on the site the last few months. I've been struggling a lot, and I know that I'm going to miss you all while I'm on temporary hiatus, but staying in touch feels too overwhelming right now. So, I'm going to take a step back. I just need...time, I think. I'm going to try to pop online every few days or so, because I don't want to completely vanish, but I also know that I might not necessarily be up to things for a while, so I want to give you all a heads up. I wouldn't want anyone to think I'd disappeared without reason.

Thank you all for reading! You're lovely, lovely people and I appreciate you all more than I can say.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Sincerely,
Emily