(No, it still isn't Friday. Time has become utterly meaningless.)

I'm here to tell you about some fics that feature ships that may never have crossed your mind but you're going to want to read -- from the inexplicably rare to the seemingly improbable.

Minerva McGonagall/ Abraxas Malfoy

illecebrous by @Unotterable (la_topolina)

Noelle has authored a trio of one-shots about this ship that has now come to be known affectionately as McMalfoy. You may have your doubts, but once you've experienced the belligerent sexual tension that is illecebrous, you'll be a believer, too. (After illecebrous come ennui and velleity. ennui is a little less Minerva/Abraxas and more about Abraxas's total lack of desire to actually take control over any aspect of his life. I haven't read velleity yet because it's for my Noir Challenge which I haven't finished reading/judging yet DON'T @ ME.)

It's one of those ships that, honestly, you don't totally want to see get together because the tension and frustration are just too good. Abraxas isn't Lucius -- he's much too jaded and apathetic to be Lucius -- but that makes him agitating in his own way. As we know, Minerva's tolerance for bullshit is -5%. But there's something between them, dating back to a Quidditch rivalry at Hogwarts, and Abraxas's respect and admiration for Minerva is undeniable.

OH, AND THERE'S ONLY ONE BED.

Cedrella (Black)/ Septimus Weasley

Hardened Hearts (Say Unimaginable Things) by @the otterable prewett (prideofprewett)

Little is known about Arthur Weasley's parents, but what is known is frankly the stuff of fanfic dreams: Cedrella of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black was disowned for defying her family to marry Septimus Weasley. Drama! And their courtship would have taken place sometime in the early 20th century. Period drama! Despite this, we don't see many fics exploring this scandalous romance.

WHY? WHY IS NOBODY WRITING ABOUT THIS?

Oh, thank God. Courtney’s writing about it.

Courtney delivers a sparkling tale of pureblood high society that reads like Bridgerton and Downton Abbey had a baby (and it turned out to be a witch). Cedrella is a proud, restless heroine trying to sort out exactly how willing she is to play the role that society and her family demand of her. Septimus is still a bit of an unknown quantity at this point, but he’s charming and flirtatious and Courtney’s headcanon for him is that he writes the crossword puzzles for the Daily Prophet, and you know my opinion on gingers who like crossword puzzles.

Cedrella makes a bit of a judgmental twit of herself in front of Septimus, and he subsequently seems to enjoy winding her up, and basically the point is, a few years later Arthur is born. But before that happens, Courtney’s going to tell us a tale of romantic and social scandal with a bit of darkness underneath the layer of glitz and glam.

Horace Slughorn/ Luther Wallenby

A Night on the Town by @Professor McGonagall (ProfessorMinnie on the archives)

That's right, I said it. Wallenby, of "Good to see you, Wallenby" fame. (No, not Ron. Stahp it. The idea is that Slughorn -- who was pretty tanked during that scene -- calls him Wallenby because he actually knew a Wallenby once.)

What started out as a glib idea based entirely on a random comedic line from the HBP film turned into a frankly beautiful interpretation of a supporting character who hardly ever gets written as a main, let alone a romantic lead. McG thoughtfully and unironically channels Horace Slughorn's affected grandiosity into a delightfully campy setting and narrative that actually makes a ton of sense for his character, and the prose is lovely. Once you read Horace as a young gay man in the early 20th century who can really only be himself in underground London clubs -- and whose romance with a colleague is sadly over before it really even has a chance to begin -- you might have a hard time imagining him any other way.

Oliver Wood/ Percy Weasley/ Audrey Weasley/ Alicia Spinnet/ Katie Bell

The Healing of Alicia Spinnet by @sinnersandsapphics

Someone said "Percy/Oliver" and Sam said, "Hold my beer." Come for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and polyamorous representation, but stay for the delightfully fluffy, funny scenario Sam sets up in this one-shot. Alicia takes a Bludger to the face during a pro Quidditch match, and a very bewildered Healer tries to maintain order and make sense of what's going on as four concerned people appear the medical tent one after another, and two women inform her that they're each Alicia's girlfriend. It's a very sitcom kind of scenario, in the best way, an I Love Lucy sort of miscommunication/misunderstanding, full of heart, with a laugh-track-worthy punchline. Sam has several other stories exploring these relationships that you should also check out: What Landon and Peters Missed, My First Date(s), and Odd Weasley Out.

Look, I made it all this way without saying I just think it's really cool that TWO people love Percy Ah shit

Narcissa Black/ Gideon Prewett

you should see me in a crown by @viking grumpy fox (grumpy cat)

We conceptualize these two as being on opposite sides of the First Wizarding War, but Kris's take on Narcissa is much more nuanced and complex than that.

As this fic currently stands, at two chapters written, it presents as somewhat less of a romance and more of an origin story about Narcissa, one of the most pivotal, underappreciate, and enigmatic characters in canon. In a world where romance is political, blood status is social currency, and associating yourself with the right people (with the right allegiances) is crucial, Narcissa is more than a pawn or a pretty face, and she certainly isn't passive. At some point we know Lucius is going to enter the picture, but Kris shows us a Narcissa who is more than her eventual title of Mrs. Malfoy or background role as Draco's mother. Deeply loyal to those she loves, and determined to ensure her family’s survival, she navigates a changing world as the Black family threatens to tear itself apart from the inside. The icing on this cake is that she has a bit of a thing going on the downlow with Gideon Prewett, and it's enticing and dark and dangerous in a way only Kris can pull off.

Susan Bones/ Hannah Abbott (almost but maybe not a triangle with Justin Finch-Fletchley)

Goodbye, Jus by @Felpata_Lupin

Is Susan/Hannah a rare pair? I think it is; I don't see a ton written about them. But what I really love about this story, more than just that, is how Chiara presents it -- both in terms of the unique format of the narrative, and the dynamic she explores among Susan, Hannah, and Justin, a close-knit group of friends ever since First Year. Somewhere over the course of their friendship, feelings start to emerge (like they do) and they're a little complicated -- at least for Justin. Chiara tells the story in a rotating POV for all three of them, in sections where each speaks as if addressing one of the others, exposing their most private thoughts and hopes and hurts. It's centered a lot around Justin, who eventually watches as Susan and Hannah become an item, neither of them realizing how he really felt (and he spends a lot of that time trying to sort through that question himself). What I love about this is that it's as much about friendship as it is about romance, and how friendships in a group like this can change when two become closer and one is, necessarily, left on the outside of that.

Amelia Bones/ Fabian Prewett

The Possibility of After by @Unfrozen Fox (Unwritten Curse)

I've recently become obsessed with this story and am starting a formal petition to have Gina continue it. As it's written so far, it reads as a quiet sort of romance -- which may sound an odd way to describe a relationship that literally begins with a drunken, grief-fueled roll in the hay -- but there you have it. I am always here for more gentle romances with subdued characters, stories where the narrative whispers to you so you have to really lean in and pay attention. Amelia is an introspective heroine sort of coming into her own, and you get the feeling that she's never pushed a boundary before now. On top of this, she's dealing with her brother's very sudden and recent death. Fabian is an enigmatic thing who goes swimming at funerals and goes on late-night benders to deal with his grief, but he also sings to himself in the morning and winks at you and has an understated magnetism you can't really put your finger on. Gina sort of dodges the typical tropes with this one, and it's not so much a matter of Will they get together? but What are they to one another? and the dynamic is fascinating in her hands.