Hey guys!

I haven't been able to update as I hoped but I will say that I wanted to try and at least write a blog entry and update you guys or you know just to get some things out in the open or at least what I'm comfortable sharing.  I admit that I often try and write rough draft of blogs on here and usually end up deleting them due to me not only struggling with forming the proper words of emotions that I want to convey.  That, or I feel that I'm sharing more than I need to to the point that I have to ask:  "Am I oversharing?" or  "Would anybody read this and think I'm oversharing?"  The answer would often be a "Yes, you are!" or if not, at least close to it.  I often feel uncomfortable with trying to be open about myself but other times, I can be open so it's, I'm not sure, what's the proper word for it other than confusing.   I want to share things that I'm okay with sharing but other times, it feels like I'm rambling, no blabbling away, and annoying people or once again: oversharing more than I need to share.  However, there are things I want to be or have been open about and things I want to keep to myself.   I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have trouble opening up to people because my social anxiety often is very good liar often saying that I'm oversharing and  but other times, I don't mind sharing things? I know there's definitely limit as well as boundaries when it comes to sharing things or what people should share.  However,  I want to share some things or at least what I'm comfortable sharing and not  let my social anxiety constantly hinder me from doing so.  I want to be open about some things and if I'm not open about other things, that's okay too.  I know people don't have to share every aspect or pieces of their life either. I admire people who can easily talk about their lives and themselves and not feel self conscious or let social anxiety hinder or affect them negatively from doing so.  You inspire and help me to go forward and want to thank you for that.  If we're not. 

With that being said, here's what's happening to me on my end so far:

- I was diagnosed with ADHD but in the past, I was diagnosed with both depression and PTSD.  I also tweeted about it but I don't think many people seen my tweet.   I'm not ashamed.  It definitely explains why I'm genuinely bad at messaging people back especially if I owe long messages to them for more than 3-5 years to not publishing my works on the Archive.  It also explains why I get overwhelmed about dealing with too much on plate or why I can't focus on things at times.  I feel that the only thing I lack in regards to me having ADHD personally is that hyperactiveness. Sure, I fidget around at times if I don't take my nutrients which helps calms me down and focus on it.  I hope to learn more about it not only for myself but also other people.  I was pretty shocked when I first learned about it seeing as I had no idea and only knew a few things about it from the media and also highly inaccurate facts about it which I regret learning from and definitely thankful for the people who spread facts, information, and truths about it to help people not only be informed about it but also definitely shed a light on things not commonly known to the public.   I still feel like I'm learning terminologies and getting the hang of it.  I'm not saying this as an excuse for anything either but it explains why I am the way I am if that makes sense? Also I don't want to be ashamed in sharing that I do struggle or have this seeing as I know that many people think it only applies to children (especially boys) only having it but so do adults also have this and it doesn't apply to just one age group per se.   I think one thing that helps me accept it is that Percy Jackson is one of my favorite literary and fictional character has it and it brought me comfort seeing as not only him but also most of the demigods in The Percy Jackson and The Olympians (as well as those in The Heroes of Olympus) have it alongside dyslexia (although I don't have that) and it makes me feel less alone or it definitely helped me to understand it more in a weird way if that makes any sense. 

- I ended up leaving my job working at a part-time job as a store associate for a clothing store that is a chain (won't mention the name here but if you guys keep up with me on Twitter, you'll know) on August 20, 2022 and now work as a Teacher's Assistant at an elementary school and it's about 15-20 minutes drive for me.  I do talk about my job experience on my Twitter and hoping to do more so on another blog outside of here but not too much and it's vague for personal yet also professional reasons. I'm helping about 2-3 students (one is very silly but he definnitely keeps me on my toes and the other two I'm still getting to know and finding my way to work with them) who are special needs but also work with other students in the class as well.  I also have to work with the teacher who's pretty relaxed often times and is somebody I often try to communicate with about any problems or issues and want to keep improving and helping him the best I can. I'm not going to lie but I have tons of nerves seeing as I haven't worked with children and my only experience is customer service for food and retail while everybody else around me seems to have some or more experience so I feel at times very self conscious and trying to push myself to do better yet also have to constantly remind myself that I'm still starting this and it's a learning experience.  I also made a few mistakes but also still learning alongside the students that I'm working with as well.  I admit there are times I do want to connect with them but failing at it because I'm not used to be around children or haven't been around as much.  I try to watch other TAs, teachers, or anybody else when dealing with the students and do learn from them as well.  I do notice that a few of them seemed to warm up or okay with me but I also have a way to go with other students especially the ones I have to work on helping.  I want them to do the best they can and help them as well as the teacher.   I think one good thing so far is that I'm a person of perserverance and I don't like to give up or quit even when things are tough.  And I'm certain that I'll do my best to not only help the students but the teacher as well.  Just have to remember that it's my first time doing this and not everything is perfect and to take it one step at a time. ;w;

Also if you have any tips and or advice, input, and or insight on what it's like to work with children, help comforting them, or just about anything else especially in a school setting, please, please, please, by all means, if you're wanting to, or okay with doing so, feel free to give me some pointers or anything, really!  I would love and appreciate you for it! ;w;    

-I had started counselling as I had been needing to see one for a long while and have seen her since mid or late January until early July which is when I had to make a pretty hard decision in spite of having my diagnosis and everything leave my counselor since things weren't working out and scheduling also became an issue at times as well. I'm hoping to eventually find another counselor once things settle down for me and I'm able to have time to search for another one.  I'm still not going to lie but I did struggle with having to leave the counselor and not have counselling.  I'm, however, understanding the people who have had to leave their counselors and or not having a great fit with theirs as well so I know that I'm not alone in that.  If you're still struggling to find another one or one that would be fitting for you then I wish you the best of luck! I know it happens and all but I guess I wanted to believe so badly that I found a decent one but yeah.  That's all I will say on that since I can't really disclose anything else nor want to. 

- I haven't been able to write admittedly due to self doubts and perfectionism and that need to make it perfect when I don't and this is why I fail when it comes to deadlines of having a specific word count or writing alot of words for Camp NanowriMo or NanoWriMo.  I'm too ambitious for my own good at times. I won't lie.  Despite this, I want to get back to writing but maybe not pressure or rush myself too much and write not only at my own time for the time being but trying to write as much as I can.  It can be anything.  I have started to trying to chronicle my days and things I can't share online as well as write a food log since something last week.  Thanks to a new journal that I got as well as motivation to keep writing or at least in a journal.  I also watched a video about two months ago about this Youtuber who explained why many people feel discouraged or don't enjoy writing anymore or to an extent feel like fraud or one of the reasons and it truly helped me examine myself not only as a writer but also explained my struggle of writing or at least as a writer.  I admit to even feeling like a fraud or fake at times and maybe, just maybe it's because I'm not following the writing guidelines or rules or whatever it is in the writing world or maybe it's not even that and it's just that pressure from writing which is not good.  Writing is supposed to be something I enjoy and have fun with.  Not feel pressured, as a fake or fraud, and doubting myself constantly.  I think I also feel pressured to do this awesome job and it probably has been a thought which stems from reading books to fanfictions on here by other people who have more time, experience, and even knowledge and me feeling like I have to live up to this or having these scenarios where my writing feels like it's out to disappoint others constantly if that makes sense? I think it also comes from me being judged my entire life and not always being well-liked. Honestly, I know that I don't have to be loved or even liked and that not everybody's going to love me.  I'm often fine or can deal with it.  Sometimes, just sometimes, my brain is giving me grief about it and it's something I genuinely want to keep working on or having to fight.  It's a constant battle that not many people know about especially if we're not close.  I mean, there are times, I'll want to share my writing, even with the flaws, and be all like, "Screw what anybody thinks!" but yeah.  I also admit that my hyperfixation on writing an interesting story also doesn't help at times along with a series of personal issues that I won't get into definitely makes me not want to write or be as excited as I sound at times.  If you combine this with everything that's happened to me along with my aunt's death, still making sense of ADHD, leaving my counselor, dealing with other life changes not mentioned on here, and transitioning jobs then it's why I haven't been able to.  Admittedly, it's why I don't enjoy writing at times or feel that way.  It doesn't mean that I lost my love or want to quit, however, but it just means that a huge part of me is just going through alot and dealing with many things and combined with just the writing struggles then you get whatever this is.  I still want to keep going with it and have plans to.  I'm just needing not only a break or not working on too many projects at the same time at times but also time to ease back into it.  Find my love for it again in  a way that will come back in full swing.   It's why I want to scrap any release dates for all of my stories and be like, "Let me get back to you on that, okay?"  Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I can talk to somebody else about it so I don't feel alone in this struggle.  I guess I don't know who to talk about it without feeling pressured to write and instead motivated, encouraged, and okay about writing.  I mean, isn't writing supposed to be fun?  I will say that in spite of this, I will update about my projects and get to the Writer's Journal questions SOON.  Just going to keep working on doing my best to not only write more but get back into it.  I haven't lost my love for it and hope to never do so.  Thank you if you're still interested in reading it or have expressed interest in it. It will come. Please just give me time.  

- Apart from everything I mentioned above, on the bright side (or for me, it has been although I admit that I don't have friends or know familiar faces yet), am going to church again with my dad on Sundays or did sometime in July but not every Sunday and I want to work on my faith as that's a journey that I want to try and take as far as life path or life goes for me.  I'm not going to expand much on it but I also want to try to not only go to church but pick up the Bible, pray more, learn things, and grow my faith in Jesus and also make some new friends since there's a group at my church for people who are my age since I'm 30+ (but most people think I'm 20+ or even younger than that like 17 which I'm not).  Quite frankly, I used to have coworkers that I talk to but thing is,  I'm not a very excitable or lovable person--there's even proof on here that I'm not and I've come to accept it--and it's a struggle for me to make new friends so I'm hoping to do so as well as grow in my faith at the new church.  I know many people here are not the same beliefs and faiths that's fine. I just wanted to share at least this seeing as my faith is the reason that I'm still trying to get through life and other hardships that come along the way.

Other random things I'll mention that's going on with my life that are more positive and or things I would like to ramble more about:

- My cat Scooter has been one of the lights and source of joy in my life and he's always relying on me to feed him instead of my dad and trust me, that's one of my favorite things. It means he trusts me when it comes to not only feeding him but also he relies on me which is sweet.  He also makes it a point to mooch at me.  He also find even more random spots at times to laze about in the house too so that's been kind of fun to see.  He also scooted up as well as rushed up the stairs one time to greet me early in the morning about a few days ago this week.  He's also almost 80 years old in human years and is getting old but my dad says that he's still got it and I think it's true when it comes to him! ;w;  

- I bought some stationary to write to a friend in Canada and the stationary are gorgeous and or cute.  I cannot wait to use them and actually write to him since it's been ages since I updated or wrote back to him.  He did send me a birthday card earlier in the year so that was pretty cool. Also we're penpals once I get back to him.

-I started a new show on Hulu called Only Murders in the Building and oh my gosh, I am enjoying it immensely since I love comedy and mystery and this has that as well as stellar casting with Steve Martin, Selena Gomez, and Martin Short!  I'm definitely hoping to find more time to watch (or binge it) and definitely want to get caught up since I know Season 2 finale happened about a week ago I believe? If any of you watch the show, please let me know! Definitely want to hear your thoughts on it!

- As a way to relax or feel comforted, I been playing ambiences on Youtube and putting them in the background and listening to it when I'm writing in my journal or on a document or elsewhere especially Harry Potter, cafe themed ones (especially with the seasons if I can find them), and a few Disney themed (again if I can find it) ones.  They not only help me write my stories but also ease some of worries of my own that I won't share out loud, scribbling my own food log,  for fun,  help motivate me or get me into the atmosphere of my stories or help me feel boosted, and it's one of the best things on the internet! It not only gives me comfort if it has small music for the cafe and some Harry Potter ones but also other ones.  It's just a sound of comfort.  It doesn't help me fall asleep but it does help me relax. I prefer them over ASMRs seeing as I'm not a fan of those.  But ambiences? Give them to me any day!  Most likely if you need one to listen to and don't mind listening to sounds over voices,  I'm your go to person and will try to find you one.  

-  So one of my favorite rappers, singers, and dancers, and a member of BTS:  Hoseok Jung or I should say: J-Hope performed at Lollapalooza on July 31 and I was able to drive home from work that day after closing shift and catch his stage on Hulu since they were streaming his stage at Lollapalooza and while I had some issues with how the cameraman not focusing on him especially when he did a really cool dance move. Since many of you don't listen to or heard of BTS, I'll just say that he's a member of the group and I love and appreciate him as a person.  So much.  He's one of the reasons I try to think and or be positive and or just smile.  Actually, he makes me smile and honestly, his new album is called Jack in the Box which he also released earlier in July and it's amazing! If you're into Korean music (and not just KPOP) or just want to hear some rapping and hip-hop, that album is defiinitely one of the best and would highly recommend!   For me, alot of his new songs truly speak to me on a very personal note as well so that's another reason that I love him and his new album.   Also should mention since he's in BTS but not J-Hope but another member: Jungkook (the youngest one if I may add and whose vocals you'll hear in the English tracks as well as a few songs with artists like Charlie Puth and Charli XCX), happy belated birthday to Jeon Jungkook (whom I always will refer to Golden Maknae since that's been one of his many nicknames) and hope he had an amazing, wonderful, awesome, fantastic, fun, cool, and the happiest of happy birthdays since his birthday (in the States) was yesterday and he and my mom share the same birthday so that's cool!  

- Autumn/Fall is and or will be upon us soon and that comes with Pumpkin as well as Halloween related things. Speaking of which, I was able to have some Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew from Dunkin Donuts and also some other drinks like Blood Orange refresher a month ago as well as The Nutty Pumpkin coffee sometime last weekend and it was pretty decent!  I love Dunkin Donuts and their coffees although I know it's sweet and am so happy as well as Starbucks as well as other places are releasing Pumpkin related snacks and drinks.  I had the Pumpkin Spice Latte in the form of a Frappucino and in Cream Version but hoping to get the actual one sometime this weekend! Oh, and my former work, also is known for having put Pumpkin and Halloween themed items 3 months earlier than the actual holiday so there's that hahaha!  But yes, to Pumpkin and Halloween themed stuff I guess?

Anyway I rambled more than intended but I also don't want to apologize too much if this ends up too rambly since I'm trying to get more into writing a blog or trying to at least post an update on here or two.  I still will try to have a blog outside for that in case. I want a place that I can feel okay with venting more.  I know it's more on a personal  I know some people write so much less and that's more which I hope to get into one day but today's not that day.  If you reached this far or at least all the way to here then I want to say thank you and sticking with me for this long.  It's very much appreciated.  I know I say this alot and other phrases but I truly mean it! Thank you so much! 

I also wanted to say that I hope anybody I haven't talked to in awhile or haven't talked to in a long while also are doing well.  If not, am or will be here for you if you need me.  I also hope that your writing projects be it fanfictions, original fiction, and or both are going well. If not, I hope that you'll have more time and opportunity to write them and that you'll be able to either get back into it or can continue if you want to or need to finish! Also hope you're doing well also in general and in life as well.  Sorry if we don't always or often talk.  Just know that you're on my mind and always wishing and hoping the best.   If you don't know me,  hey hi hello,  hope you're doing well too.

Anyway, that's it for now.  Thanks again for reading if you have!  

-Diana/Di 

P.s.  The song lyrics is from More by J-Hope (and yes, it's from his Jack in The Box album).  This song speaks to me alot and still has even months after release.  I can relate somewhat with the lyrics even if I'm not a musician/dancer/artist as him. That part I feel I can relate to the most hence why it's the title.