38 is possibly a bit young to be having my midlife crisis, but it seems to be here nevertheless, catalyzed by total burnout. I'm at a point where I need to make some decisions -- if not now, then soon-ish -- about what I want to be doing.

I'm wildly dissatisfied at work right now, about 80% of which is due to circumstances that may be transitory (bad administration, laughably low personnel levels and huge workloads), but the fact remains that it'll be that way for some time. And my job is stressful and has its annoyances even on a good day, under good management. My daily life is a mental and emotional grind. I am literally carrying the load of two full-time jobs. And it's not an option for me to just say, "Well, I'll do what I can, and if the rest falls apart so be it, because we lack resources" -- because I have personal legal and ethical obligations to fulfill in the way I handle cases, and at the end of the day bad management isn't an excuse if it comes down to an accusation of mishandling a case or not doing something I was obligated to do. My supervisor is fantastic, but there's nothing she can do to fix the top-down problem in a county-wide organzation.

When I get home, sure, I have a few hours, but there are chores and pets and unfinished home improvement projects, and trying to visit my grandparents whose health is rapidly declining, and the to-do list is neverending, and there's nothing left in me to do things I actually want to do, like reading and writing. I haven't updated a fic in months.

I'm sleep-deprived -- always have been, even with a normal workload. I'm hardwired to sleep from about midnight or 2 AM to about 10 AM, and I'm pretty sure the societal convention of business starting at 8 AM every day is slowly killing me. It's worse after having COVID, because I'm extra fatigued and once in a while hit with the weird brain fog thing. This plus the burnout is doing a number on my mental health, which just makes the burnout worse.

There's a limit to how much you can meditate and positive-think yourself out of your stress when so much of it is down to external demands on you. I started to give some serious thought to whether I want to leave my current career. (It's not just a matter of staying in my career and moving to a different employer or practice, for reasons that would make this post way too long to explain.) It's a difficult thing to do, in no small part due to the fact that I'm fortunate enough to have excellent benefits that are hard to willingly give up. Not to mention the stability itself; it's scary to make a big change like that. And requires me to let go of a lot of expectations I've always had for myself. Plus there's the guilt about the position I'd be leaving my colleagues in. I mean, we are buckling bad under the weight, and every person who jumps ship like this is understandable but it just creates more strain for others.

As I was looking at potential other career directions -- the limitations on which are also the subject of an explanation way too long to get into here -- it also occurred to me, funny enough, that because of those aforementioned great benefits I receive, I'd actually stand to make better money going out on medical/stress leave for a while, than I would working a different job. And I've given it some serious thought. I could do it, validly. It's probably the most objectively rational decision I could make right now for myself. But once again there's the guilt of leaving work for my colleagues, and the fear of how I'll be perceived for availing myself of this safety net (which I'm entitled to use! This is what it's there for!)

But for a long time now I've been feeling like I just need to do a hard reset. Vacations aren't relaxing -- being away from work for two weeks just means you have that much more work to come back to. I can't even imagine how much easier it must be to breathe if I had a few months away, where I can get to a point in my personal life that I like, where I have time to dedicate to the things that actually make all this worthwhile. Who knows, maybe I'd return to my job liking it again. Or maybe I wouldn't.

But all that guilt and fear and obligation keeps me from making these decisions. Even though I know every single day that I'm miserable, and wishing my life looked different.

Maria (tatapb) asked me a rather mind-blowing question the other day when I was chatting with her about this.

She said: "When you read a book, if you already think within the first few pages that it's shit, do you keep reading anyway to see how it turns out?"

Oh.

OH.

I had a fanfic "Oh." moment. What an illuminating question.

Because yes, most times, I DO keep reading a book even if I don't like it (not Absalom, Absalom! though... because, I mean, have you tried reading it??)

A few of you, in fact, have already listened to my vents about my spite-reading of the entire Bridgerton series.  

This gave me a lot to think about. Am I hate-reading my own life? Am I stubbornly unwilling to DNF my current path because I'm already 150 pages in and I'm invested (even if underwhelmed)? Am I holding out some hope that a story with a promising premise but lackluster or problematic execution will still have a satisfying conclusion? Do I need that satisfying conclusion because the rest of it has been so wanting? Am I trying to justify the time and effort spent on this path thus far by seeing it through and hoping it'll all be worth it? Am I a little afraid of missing out on good stuff that could be coming by ditching the book too early?

The answer seems to be yes.

Anyway, if it weren't obvious enough by now... I'm really, really sad that I'm unable to write and participate in fanfic as much as I'd like. Or even at all these days, really. Like I feel a hole in me not being able to do these things, and at some point I'm going to need to figure out how to fix this...