(TW: Suicide)

If we're talking interests that lie outside of reading and writing, the top of the list for me has to be music.

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with Cinderella - the PBS version starring Lesley Ann Warren, specifically. Four year old Tanya knew every word, every note, and every dance move of that entire film, and she would only wear dresses or skirts, but NOT just any dress or skirt, no, they had to twirl like Cinderella's did when she danced. I was not a good singer at this point in my life, though, it has to be said. I've seen the footage, and no one will ever say I was talented from the start. But I did love it from the start.

I had started singing in church a bit as I got a little older, chasing solos at the Christmas shows and such, but the real moment of awakening came for me when my school put on "42nd Street" and I saw my first musical. I was instantly enamored. I had been too young to audition for that particular show, but the following year would be my first chance to try musical theatre, and I was cast in the dance ensemble for "Guys and Dolls". I was very excited, needless to say. But the following summer, I auditioned for the summer show, which is a smaller show, smaller cast, and goes up in October, rather than May like the big one. This time, though, I got the lead role. I couldn't believe it. I was just 14, a freshman, the youngest age anyone auditioning could be, and I was going to play Audrey in "Little Shop of Horrors". The rest of my high school career followed a pretty similar path, and so I got to play Polly Baker in "Crazy For You" and Millie in "Thoroughly Modern Millie". For that last show, my senior year, I even won an award from my hometown's Broadway Theatre League for Best Actress in a Leading Role. I decided this was definitely the trajectory my life wanted to take, and I applied to the American Musical and Dramatic Academy in NYC to study musical theatre, and that's exactly what I did! I was given incredible feedback, I was being told I'd have an amazing career, being asked to record songs for my teachers, and getting voted best actress in my class.

Of course, not all dreams come true. Enter the very tragic part of this journey, where in-between semesters, my father ended his life. He had been a huge supporter of my theatre career, and losing him destroyed me. I gave up theatre pretty quickly. I finished school, but that was it for a very long time. In fact... I haven't actually done theatre in the way I used to since, all these years later.

Buy my love for music never faded, and instead I changed paths to something that didn't hurt so bad.

I picked up a guitar and decided I'd try to learn. Then I did the same with ukulele and keyboard. And now that I could accompany myself, I started writing songs, and started playing live shows at bars and restaurants, and one of those nights a group of guys overheard me performing and asked if I wanted to record my original songs with them. So I went on to do that! And I have a link to one of those songs below, if you'd like to hear it. But the truth is, my heart was never really in this. My heart has always been with theatre.

I was 19 when my dad passed away. I'm turning 35 next week. And only recently have I started chasing that initial dream again. I had my first voice lesson back into the theatre world literally a week ago. I've done two stage managing type jobs since moving to the UK, and I've auditioned a few times for shows I knew I couldn't do, but wanted the experience for anyway. I got accepted into all of them, though I turned them down. And I don't know if it's too late for me. Showbiz is generally a young person's gig, but I'm happy I'm at least trying again. That's a very huge step for me after having been away for so long because of tragedy and the inability to overcome it sooner. But I'm hopeful, and that's nice at least. After my voice lesson, I was even called up by my voice teacher and invited to an open mic night that they screen for, so you can only perform if you've been invited after proving yourself, so that was cool! It's something, at least! It's all something, and that's better than the nothing I had for so many years with theatre before now.

So anyway, here's one of those songs I referred to earlier that I recorded with those guys:

The album isn't available anymore, though I have all the originals still. I wrote six of the songs and my friend wrote four. This is one of hers, cause I find it easier to share her work, to be honest, and I think she's the better songwriter anyway! I have some covers on that soundcloud as well, if you click my username, but I was drunk for several and they were all recorded in my apartment randomly, so listen at your own risk.