for a few months now i have been feeling this itch to write. i want to write something. i want to work on my works in progress. i want to attempt original fiction that i know is going to be underwhelming and mediocre (because just about anyone seems to be publishing their work nowadays and i have to rank at least a little bit higher than them by this point to be honest). but the overwhelming problem i run into outside of just not being able to make myself sit down and actually start is that i am severely lacking in inspiration. i have never been so uninspired and out of ideas before in my life. and i'm running into this problem everywhere. i wanted to make youtube videos about books because i think they'd be fun but the problem i discovered is that i really have nothing much to say. i know this is news to pretty much anyone who knows me or at the very least lurks on my twitter where i acted verifiably deranged and seemingly constantly Pissed Off. but for all my opinions, of which many i am sure are incorrect, the second i sit down and try to do something with my big mouth, i find that i have nothing to say.

i never thought i would have this problem but the well has run dry. i miss the days of being a teenager where i would start stories with no plan, barely any plot and somehow the thing would take itself from there. i used to be so full of ideas. and now i am a shell.

i suspect a large part of this is likely due to periods of depression i have been experiencing over the last 3 years (i finally joined the statistic guys!) but even now where i'm pretty certain i am not in a depressive episode, my imagination and creativity seems not to have recovered. so i thought to myself, surely it can't be the depression at this point anymore.

and then i recently came across a tiktok of a young woman who spoke about how she is more interested in hearing about fashion from someone outside of the fashion world than she is in hearing about it from someone within the fashion world. she goes on to talk about that we create fashion from life, to reflect life, and attempting to create fashion for the sake of fashion is limiting and ultimately that aesthetic caves in on itself. i've never seen black swan, but she uses black swan as an example. the ballet black swan is a ballet about life, it is not a ballet and that is the problem that the main character runs into, she has no life experiences and as such, she cannot bring the character to life properly. we experience life and then we use that to create fashion to tell a story, to reflect our experiences. she would much rather hear a marine biologist compare Schiaparelli's collection where the models hold babies to whales and their relationship with their young than listen to an expert wax on about fabric, stitching, the fashion house etc. it's why iris van herpen's work is so alluring as it reflects her interest in architecture and nature.

and it got me thinking that maybe this is what my problem is now. when i compare my life now to a few years ago, i was having way more experiences while i was in high school and uni. and at those times, i was also overflowing with ideas. compared to then, i live a very monotonous, boring life. i don't go out much, i stay at home and read my books or watch a show or a movie, i shop frequently occasionally. when my friends want to catch up with me, i have nothing to tell them because nothing has happened. there is literally nothing new. i am not experiencing life, i'm just a passive agent in my own existence. i don't try new things, i don't go to new places, i don't meet new people. i am funny and interesting because i have to compensate for how boring of a person i really am.

and that's going to be changing in the next couple  of months, and i'm trying to push through this writer's block nevertheless in the meantime but i'm thinking of how to maintain this long term. i have a list of things i want to do in life which is all well and good but they're all things that you save towards or work towards, i can't seem to come up with anything that i can do day to day.