Common Relationship Problems

[just.a.willow.tree]

Since this is tangentially writing related I think this is where I should create this thread?

So, I want to be able to write realistic relationships, and I feel like everyone must know more than me on this subject, so I have two main questions here:

1. What are some relationship problems that you see as being solid deal-breakers (like, instant breakup)?

2. What are some common problems you see in relationships (that can be worked through)?

There might be some overlap here, I'm not sure.  In general, what I'm looking for is to figure out how to write the difference between a good relationship that has some troubles, and a  relationship that just definitely isn't working out and needs a breakup. But not necessarily like really bad ones, like where one person cheats on the other. And I'm curious about some examples that people might give?

I don't know, haha, just really interested to hear your thoughts.

[grumpy cat]

i may be biased, but i don't consider cheating to be instant-breakup-worthy i think that everyone has flaws and sometimes things just happen. at least, that's from my experience. and they can be worked out if the people involved care enough about each other

as for instant-breakup - for me it's being aggressive, possessive, violating my privacy. those are the things that i could never find in myself to forgive/forget and trust that person again. but for example, i know lots of women who don't have a problem with their partners being possessive and checking their phones/emails/social media accs, which i consider incredibly weird i would also break up with someone over bad sex/sexual incompatibility because for me, it's a very big part of a relationship and if we're not compatible then...tough luck. and, well, i would probably not end up in a relationship with someone who has wildly differing world views but if i accidentally did, or went out on a couple of dates, and suddenly found out they have views that are fundamentally different than my own, there's no fixing that.

things that can be worked on - problems with communication/arguing, even cheating sometimes (depending on circumstances, i guess), spending too much time together (that's a problem for me but more general - having different concepts of how much time we should spend together because that depends on the person). i'm sure i'm forgetting some

[toomanycurls]

omg, I'm going to write a damn novel on this one.

Solid Deal-breakers

There's a strong correlation between the amount of bullshit I'll put up with from someone and how long I've been in a relationship with them/how committed I am to them. At the beginning my issue tolerance is very very low. Are they flaky and don't communicate? Gone. Do they have some annoying habit that is hard to overlook? Gone. Is sex kind of meh? GONE. 

Once there's some time and commitment built up, I'll work through issues that might have turned me off if they were there at the beginning. Are they going through a rough patch and have pulled into themselves? Let's help them and see if they are willing/able to work on it (if not, I'll have to decide if there issue is worth uprooting and moving on). 

There are 100% instant breakup issues. Physical abuse. Gone. Threats of violence. Gone. Verbally degrading. Leaving shortly. Overt and intentional hatred a class of people. Gone. Usually that is uncovered pretty early on. 

In all reality, any issue can break a relationship if it goes too long without communication and work between both people to resolve. That leads me to-- 

Solvable problems that people have in relationships 

• division of labor around the house
• managing finances (especially if you have a spender and a miser end up together)
• physical and emotional intimacy 
• various appetites for time with extended family 
• principles behind how to raise a family together 
• different communication styles or love language 
• how loud someone chews (or is that just me??)

In all reality you can have any issue tolerated and solved in a relationship if those people are willing to communicate and work through it together. I've relationships fall apart because people wouldn't cheeziting talk about a solvable problem. Over time that small/solvable problem builds resentment and the resentment because the issue more than the solvable problem. 

An example of this is a relationship where one person does the cleaning up after every meal. At the beginning it's not a big problem, they are in love and happy to do the work. After a while (days, months, years, etc.) they start to wish the other person would chip in but it's become routine that they do the cleaning up after meals. They might start to feel angry about it and wonder why the heck the other person doesn't realize they should be doing this task that the other person has done all along. One day they might get in a fight about it and it's less about picking up the actual dishes as it is the anger and hurt feelings that one person wasn't doing the dishes and that the other person was secretly mad at them for a long time. 

Of course, doing the dishes is just one example a relationship could have. If they also had a lack of communication about other trivial issues they turn into "you never do anything around the house" and "you only talk to me to nag"

This video covers the destructive cycle relationships can get into: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is 

 

 

[toomanycurls]

Also, feel free to message me if you want to go through a relationship you're writing (or having??!!!??) to see if it feels like a thing that would actually happen.

[grumpy cat]

i would also instant-break up with someone who expects me to take care of them (and i mean this in quite the literal sense. examples: men who go from their mothers taking care of them (washing&ironing their laundry, cooking for them and so on....) to expecting their partners to do the same. women who go from their dads taking care of them to expecting their partners to do the same (they drive cars but don't even know how to get gas because it's something either their dad or their partner is supposed to do.....) i've got more examples because i see it soo often that it makes me sick). consider yourself lucky if you've never met anyone like that. and i've never seen someone like that change for the better so i wouldn't even bother with trying to fix the issue. i'm not your mother.

[Ineke]

I don't have much experience (as in, I had one relationship which lasted all of 5 weeks hahaha) but for me solid dealbreakers would be:

 

Completely opposing political views (I'd be good with some disagreements, but if it's fundamentally different from me? Noping the hell out of there). Violence, abuse, and all kinds of stuff like that. Men who expect me to be the housewife (I think not. You have hands too, you can also do work. I'm not your slave). Continual dishonesty and inability to be honest with me (the dealbreaker for my relationship. But then we were also on v differeny levels as in: i worked fulltime, had a mortgage, house, cleaning and all that stuff to do while also constantly needing to working overtime in shifts that were all over the place as it was. He did not work, never had a job, still lived with his parents, kept insisting he understood while every action made painfully clear that he did not. And while I'm fine w people not working and stuff - don't say you understand and ask to go out and do stuff together when I already repeatedly said I'd not be up to that and just wanted to stay on my couch. Especially if 'going out' involves either travelling an hour to and back by train or whatev or me driving 30 mins to and back. I'm still bitter do you guys notice?). I'd most likely also be noping away when it comes to cheating (but idk maybe I'm different when I'm in such a situation?).

 

Things that can be worked on:

I think stuff like more cleaning up after the other and giving the other more space or ask to be more attentive (depending on how it goes in the relationship). Feelings and disagreements ie. whatever. Basically what rose said for me tbh.

[mydearfoxy]

Another reason I've seen a relationship end, in a really difficult way where both people have mixed feelings, is due to addiction or substance abuse. If one person is having this issue and won't address it or it causes reckless or cruel behavior; if one person is trying to overcome this but the other isn't able to support them on that journey; etc.

Also, as far as solvable problems go: My mom will tell you with deadly seriousness that my dad taking over the laundry saved their marriage. 

[crowsb4bros]

I feel like these ^ summarized them well.  I'm thinking through personal experiences

dealbreakers:

• I broke up with a boy I'd just started trial dating within hours of him telling me that he needed me around because I motivated him to stop smoking. The smoking wasn't necessarily the issue, but he'd framed the conversation in a way that felt like he was trying to trap me. It felt like a big red flag. Any context of 'you need to fix me' is a problem to me.
• Unfounded accusations have always been an issue. I've never cheated on a partner, but I've dated a few who would demand to know where I was, who I was with, and would accuse me of cheating with friends. One partner kept turning on the snapchat geolocation thing on my phone so he could keep up with me and ultimately I deleted snapchat and I deleted him from my life. 
• The idea that partners can't have friends of other sexes. My best friend's husband "won't let her" talk to men she works with which is beyond absurd. 
• If my partner didn't get along with certain members of my family they'd be out (barring extremely unlikely circumstances).
• Dog allergies.
• Unhealthy argument techniques like trying to emotionally hurt the other or being petty or bringing up previously settled arguments just to bolster their rightness. Storming out. etc. 

workable issues (depending on attitude):

• poor money management 
• poor communication skills
• not fulfilling emotional needs
• toxic friends injecting themselves into the relationship
• distance

[grumpy cat]

one of my deal breakers would be if my partner got along with some of my family members

[Jo Raskoph]

This is an older topic, but sooo jucy. I hope it's still ok to chime in. 

I think it's very hard to say definitely which issues would/should be dealbreakers because people are so diverse. Some stay with cheaters some stay with abusers some stay with machos some stay with ... while others never would.

In fact, what a person would or would not tolerate says s lot about their character.

Rose mentioned resentment and I want to add that one person trying/hoping to change the other is usually doomed too. Whatever problematic behaviour exists, changing it can only come from within that person and never from the other. So whatever problem one has with their partner forces them to decide if they can accept it or if it's worth breaking up over - there's not really a middle ground. (My husband is a lot more concerned with separating colors for the washing machine than I am. So a possible relationship killer might be him nagging me about everything I separate "wrong" in his opinion, me trying and failing again and agin to live up to his expectations. It would create loads of arguments and breed resentment because we'd both feel wronged... In our situation he took over all the washing, because he wants it done his way. Another option would have been if he'd accepted that colors are colors and it's not a big deal - but that's not him. I can't change him and he couldn't change me into someone who cares about separate washing.)

Rose touched on the correlation between duration of a relationship and willingness to work through incompatibilities - I'd like to mention age/personal experience also plays a big role there.

Someone younger/inexperienced might be more willing to believe their partner would eventually come around and realise the importance of separated colors, while am older divorcee might very well say "fuck it, I'm never arguing over laundry again in my life" and be gone right there. I honestly believe I wouldn't be with my husband if we hadn't met as teenagers - we're incompatible in many ways, but our youthful ignorance carried us so far into this relationship that we built a foundation that balances some of them out... It could have very well been a complete train wreck too...

To get back to your question - issues we have struggled with and overcome:

Differences in sex drive, different degrees of political interest, strong vs no desire to travel, different ideas about apropriate gift-giving, different ideas about when to start a family, different views on who does what in a household, toxic ideas/expectations about romance, ...  

Expectations are really a hot topic I think. They are tricky because we expect others to take the same ideas as given when really they are different in every family. Communication really is key.

[lebensmude]

I just wanted to pop in because I thought this was really interesting, not that I have much experience but from what minimal experience I do have:

I'm in the same boat as Rose where the amount of bullshit I tolerate from a person is directly correlated with how long and how well I know them. For example, I will forgive my friends almost anything but on the flip side, how much are you willing to put up with before you don't wanna put up with anymore or work through another problem. If I'm just getting to know them, it's real easy for me to cut them off and forget they exist, but if I have years of knowing them and friendship, I'll let a lot more slide because I know what kind of person they are. If someone I'm just meeting is being irritatingly clingy, I'm gonna distance myself from them even if I don't realize I'm doing it, but if it's someone I'm close friends with or really click with, I thrive on it.

I know cheating is something that CAN be worked through, but for me it's a no, they need to go. If they're constantly violating my privacy, they need to go. If they're trying to control who I get to hang out with, they need to go. If they're threatening me, they need to go. If they're telling me I'm the reason they're doing something, it's a red flag and I'm going to be getting ready to leave. Opposing world/political views, it's a no from me we can't be together if we have different opinions on who deserves human rights. If they're hiding things or lying, it's a no. If they expect me to be their mother, it's a no. If they expect me to live with their parents (because this is a thing in my culture), it's a hell no. If they expect me to let their family walk all over me and say whatever they want to me and about me (because this is also a thing in my culture), it's a no. There's probably a bunch more that I'm forgetting that other people will think of but this is what comes to mind.

Overall, if I've communicated with them an issue I'm having and we talk about it and they just keep doing it and we keep having to have the same conversation, no. They're obviously not listening to me or not taking me seriously.

There's a lot of things that can be worked through, I really do think that you can solve most problems in any sort of relationship with communication. Sex life, distribution of house chores, finance management, how many kids if you want (or IF you want to have them at all), what your love language is, how assertive they are, maintaining proper boundaries with friends or exes that they're friends with, personal alone time etc.

[Bat Stitch Crazy]

Since this thread has been revived I thought I'd drop in with my two cents (not that anyone wants to hear it). 

Everyone has different opinions about what they are/aren't willing to tolerate in a relationship and I feel that it's something that should be talked about early on because if there are any major red flags or habits that are deal breakers, then I won't waste my time.

 That being said there are a couple things that are a no-go and I'm not going to even waste my time trying to have a relationship because well been there, done that. 

One big one for me is if someone doesn't want kids/ a blended family. I'm not one that is going to hide the fact that I am a single parent and that her father is not in the picture. You might not get to meet her right away but you are going to know she exists early on that way if I do have to cancel a date due to not being able to find a sitter or her being sick, it doesn't come as a shock. If you're not okay with the fact that  that can and will happen on occasion, then why waste our time?

My family is everything to me. We might fight like cats and dogs but no one is allowed to mess with them but me. If you hurt my family or show any signs of wanting to take/keep me away from my family...well they'll never find your body. Don't even waste my time. I'm not going to commit to a relationship with you if you aren't willing to meet my family and my best friend (that girl is brutal if she doesn't like you then you don't have a chance in hell with me) early on. 

1. What are some relationship problems that you see as being solid deal-breakers (like, instant breakup)?

- Cheating. No ands ifs or buts. If you make the decision to cheat then you had one foot out the door already so let me help you with the other one. 

- Offering a 'Hall Pass" this goes right along with cheating...If you feel like you need to ask my permission to sleep with someone else then don't let the door hit you where mother nature split you. 

-Any form of alcohol and/or drug abuse. Been there, Done that, got the divorce papers to prove it. If you're on anything stronger than weed then I'm not even gonna go there. And trust me if I even suspect it, I WILL find out. I know the signs and I'm not putting myself or my daughter in that situation again. 

-Laziness. If your arms and legs aren't broke then you can get your ass off the couch and help out. I'm not going to work 40 hours a week and come home and clean house/cook 7 days a week by myself. 

-Having issues with me being friends with the opposite sex.  You don't trust me? Guess what: they were here before I met you and they'll be here long after you burn all your bridges. (There are some exceptions to this rule...not many though...depends on the situation and if you can communicate fully with me on why you have issues with that individual) (almost ruined my best friend's wedding because of this one) 

-If my friends don't like you. Chances are they see something I don't and plus it makes group dates, parties, general hangouts just awkward. Been there, done that, not gonna do it again.

-Asking me to choose between you and someone/something else. 9 times out of ten I'm gonna choose the other one. 

-Trying to control me. This automatically raises so many red flags, warning lights, and sirens that I'll be out the door so fast you won't be able to beg me to stay. I've been in this situation before and this (and most of all the above) is the start to a very dark path that I'm not going down again. 

2. What are some common problems you see in relationships (that can be worked through)?

 -Financial irresponsibility. (This is generally a Tasha issue and not a SO issue) If both of us are irresponsible with how we manage our finances once we get to the living together stage then we are in a world of trouble. Something will have to be worked out where we don't spend all our money. (If you are the more responsible one I will gladly let you manage the budget within reason. If I want something and it's within the budget you bet your ass I'm getting that something.) 

-Communication, communication, communication. If there is a solid lack of communication about ANYTHiNG and I do mean ANYTHING, then tensions will rise and the relationship won't survive. 

-Look my ex is a part of my extended circle of friends. He's gonna show up at the same gatherings we are and as much as I'd rather avoid him, I'm gonna have to face him eventually. We may not be friends anymore but he is still part of the circle no matter how much I wish he wasn't. 

-Not understanding my fears about my ex husband. He may live in another state (please don't ever ask me to move back to the Carolinas.) but he is my daughter's father and until I can get his rights terminated, I have to deal with him and the fears that come along with it. (of course I wouldn't stop you if you "accidentally" did something. Actually I'd be right behind you holding the shovel)

 

There are a lot more issues I could go into but for the sake of not writing a novel, I'm gonna stop here. 90 percent of relationship issues can be solved with solid communication though. 

[TidalDragon]

DEALBREAKERS

[X] Cheating. If you ever cheat I can't ever trust you again. And if I can't trust you, I can't be in a relationship with you.
[X] Can't accept my medical limitations. I don't expect a person chauffeur, but they need to understand that I can't drive and the costs associated with that. They also need to get that there are certain things I can't do alone, especially involving water or shouldn't do - like heavy-lifting of certain things.
[X] Substance Abuse/Domestic Abuse. This includes a consistent pattern of emotional abuse.
[X] Asking me to completely give up hobbies. Being in a relationship is (almost) always going to limit your time to do certain things you used to do as much as you might want. For example, once Ryan goes to bed, I wouldn't be able to play COD for three hours anymore because, you know, we should spend real time together and I should give her hobbies the same respect.
[X] Another single parent. I understand that this is majorly hypocritical, but it would be really difficult to not just meld ourselves, but also our parenting styles. I also honestly question my ability to love and treat their child on the same level as my own. We can totally have kids together, but I can't do the blending.
[X] Smoking.
[X] Consistent passive-aggressiveness. Even though I don't roll that way, getting the so-called 'cold shoulder' over something is, if rare, to be expected. Never talking about the problem - especially the real problem - just doesn't work for me. It's: (1) toxic and (2) I'm an idiot who's probably not going to figure it out on his own which just creates more problems.

WORKABLE

[?] Finances. I've lived - and live - paycheck to paycheck and I do it by following a budget. Everybody has their 'thing' that they spend maybe more than they 'should' on, but we have to be able to work out limits. And we have to be able to agree on how major purchase/financial commitment decisions are going to be made.
[?] Emotional Comms. I've laid out some other stuff that requires communication above, but we've got to be able to get real with each other about how we're feeling, whether generally or about specific incidents. Things that one person finds innocuous can consistently irritate or on some occasions really hurt the other. Ignorance is not bliss.
[?] Division of Responsibility. There are so many ways to do it - particularly ways that aren't "you do all that shit" - but if it's not sorted out one person's going to either get upset about the quality of performance or frequency with which something needs to be done. For example, some people want to do laundry every single week. Others are cool leaving it to basically spend the day on every couple of weeks.
[?] Kiddos. Do you want them or not? If so, how old is too old to keep trying if you haven't had one yet?
[?] Sex. On two levels. One is sex drive. Some people are rarely up (or down) for it, others have to get off daily. Those two probably aren't going to find an acceptable middle ground unless the other party is okay with...other...ways to relieve the tension. If you're not that far apart, just find a fair middle ground. Also, kinks. Let's be real, everybody has their unorthodox 'thing(s)' from the mild to the more extreme. People will probably find sex more interesting and satisfying if they're open and on the same page about making (or not) some of them happen.
[?] Politics. I'm really okay with at least listening to or even supporting a partner who wants to rally/support for ideas they believe in. But not extremists. I'm looking at your alt-right-ers and your left-ern equivalents.

Rather than continue with Kevin's Relationship Manifesto, I'm going to leave it there.