It's been awhile hasn't it?

When I tried to start working my way back in December of last year, I spent some time reflecting on how I got here. How it began, how it grew, where I've gone, what this community means to me - and why I walked away. The results were...interesting (to me anyway) and like a persistent plot bunny I felt I had to get it out of me whether it gets read or not. What follows is a personal account of my journey. You can probably gather from the title that it's long and from the subject matter that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but I think and hope it will have a happy ending.

2012-2016: The Beginning

I started writing HP FF in the middle of law school - somewhere around September/October 2012. I was in a pretty dark place in terms of my mental health due to a drastic hit to my physical health and independence after being diagnosed with epilepsy and some serious personal issues. The why still doesn't entirely make sense. Who adds more writing to their law school experience? Who chooses something as challenging as writing fiction when it's far easier to let a worsening video game habit slide into an addiction? The mysteries of the subconscious can escape us even in retrospect. I quickly discovered the now-defunct HPFF archive and began writing my excessively long and now surprisingly old Jily novel Evolution. In retrospect, based on one of the major issues was dealing with at the time, it was probably driven by some mixture of desperation to feel good at - something different, connected to my "old" life only by my fandom - and wish fulfillment. I churned out chapter after chapter with almost no response beyond the first chapter and very limited response at that.

Suddenly, I received a review from some person called @nott theodore from some place called the HPFF forums. It was detailed and kind. And then the second person left one. And then they left what were probably the first reviews my story had received on Chapter 2. Various members - primarily Gryffindors - proceeded to leave more reviews and the original two actually left reviews all the way through the twelve chapters I had posted at the time. Thus began my adventure into the HPFF forums. I didn't really know what to expect - it was a bit bewildering to start with. So much was going on, but I found my way to the Gryffindor CR and met those special reviewers (and many more) and before I knew it, I was submitting my first challenge entry, Apogee. Everyone was kind and that went beyond writing. I still wasn't terribly integrated but over time CR members became friends and I started interacting with people from other houses as well and before I knew it, I had what felt like real friends again for the first time since I'd started law school - even if they were "only online". At some point I became a Gryffindor prefect and took on an even greater role in the CR.

My mental health improved dramatically over the years that followed, as I graduated from law school, after I passed the bar, after I got my first job as an attorney working with some flexible and truly wonderful people who still have an impact on my life to this day. Needless to say there were many more challenges, House Cups, reviews (which I made a concerted effort to leave a lot of myself)...until - 

2016-2018: The End is the Beginning

The forums were closing. By that time I had come to know or soon would a few of the founders and others people instrumental to the beginning of of HPFT  @abhorsen. @toomanycurls @Agent Michael Scarn @TreacleTart @Veritaserum27 and @crowsb4bros to name a few. It was a fun and exciting time as we worked hard to make the project a reality. Perhaps most importantly though, we were able to bring so many friends from the HPFF forums into our brand new world and for those of us who migrated, friendships thrived and deepened. We carried over important traditions and crafted new ones. We watched the forums grow and birth an archive to call our own. While all the modding floods together, events stand out and I distinctly remember the chaos that was running one house cup event in particular - Capture the Flag - late into the night during our family vacation to Disney.

EDIT: Somehow I forgot the whole 2017 meet-up in London that carried over my 30th birthday.

2018-2019: The Fade

My professional life started becoming quite chaotic. My practice grew and then was somewhat shoved in new directions and I began to feel a lot of stress press in on me. My old boss got me my dream job, but that quickly began to hurt as a special assignment left me questioning some of my beliefs in multiple directions. The assignment was public and while not quite ugly, the attention was draining and the criticism from various corners occasionally exploded. The site was rapidly evolving and my energy was draining and as I found it increasingly hard to keep up the level of involvement I demanded of myself, I ultimately resigned staff in October 2019. For what little it is worth or matters now, it's a decision I still regret.

2019-2021: Fits and Starts

I tried to keep going during this window. I really did. But each time I returned I felt a...guilt. That I wasn't as active as I should be or reaching out as much as I should be in the way of reviews or responding to reviews or any of it. I started things I didn't finish and finished things too late to matter. One of my last real acts during this period was to resurrect my signature challenge, "The Knock-Out Challenge". It fell apart as rewards languished, I didn't judge entries on time, etc. I felt a...shame. It was stupid really - perhaps not stupid, but after failing my own expectations in 2019 and failing them again - this time at something as simple as a challenge - I just walked away. Of course I took on more responsibility at work, I was moving to a new city, but ultimately I viewed them as more excuses. I played some games with some people on Discord - some of the above along with others like @down-in-flames and @weftmagemadi it was great, but with what had happened and as activity transitioned more and more from the forums to Discord...I don't even truly know myself from there. It just all sort of fell apart for me.

2021-2023: The Absence

This period kind of speaks for itself, though it was at least one of professional growth. There was excitement as I moved up to handle felony cases full time. Torture as I tried to juggle that and my old position full-time for four months amid the ongoing public drama. Mercurial attitudes at the top leaving everyone on tenterhooks. And more. I did post some stories here, but they were largely pokefics cross-posted from elsewhere (where the audience for such stories is far larger/existent).

2024: Hope?

This year has already been a year of change as well and will continue to be one. I'm the president of our local bar as we complicate our court system with multiple judicial appointments followed by multiple judicial elections, the creation of a Public Defender's Office, and the transition to a completely electronic court system that remains badly broken even a year after its implementation in other counties. I may have missed out on being a judicial candidate this fall, but I will be taking on another role outside of my main job(s). It will be a chaotic time as I try to find value in a horrendous housing market as well.

All that being said, I have decided that this year is the year to let all the guilt, shame, and related wash down the river and reintegrate (or at least sincerely try). This time I at least have goals for myself - ones that I am going to try and make manageable to begin with and see where we go. I want to review this year's award nominees so I can cast legitimate votes. I want to post a new non-pokefic. I want to gift a few one-shots. I want to succeed at Camp NaNo (or whatever is replacing it amid all the controversy).

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I am here now, standing just inside the gate. There's a dusty path once well-tread. The thorny shrubs and gloom have given way to a summer canopy of leaves on the way to a sunny grove. It's been a long time and though I may have taken the long path to get here it finally feels like I'm at here now. Back again. Finally home.