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Yet another personal update that's lengthy! Okie dokie!


starlitcastles

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Hello there to anybody who has stopped by and read this!

First and foremost, as always, I do want to give a heads up about this blog is going to be quite lengthy one and yes, it's a personal update. So yeah.  I thought I would have not been able to compose, type, write, or whatever you want to call this entry for the longest time as I often try to work on a blog entry on here, type what I needed to type, and then either I'm exhausted from all I typed, don't approve of it because perfectionist side is awful thing to deal with, and or both, and end up deleting the potential entry, and closing the tab.  But I thought that I should try and type what I needed to type for this blog entry as there's been going alot in my life to the point that I've been not only completely overwhelmed most of the time but also struggling mentally often times and I've been dealing with a lot and not speaking up or talking about it to/with other people since I'm very aware how often times, I've had life experiences where I'm always there for other people and or will be there to listen to them and their problems but am not taken seriously, condescended, and or just not heard when I try and do so.  It's caused me to slowly not only build walls in the past but also learning that setting boundaries is far healthier nowadays to just do that as well as decided that I don't need to talk about it.   Still, I feel like there are things that I do want to say and or needed to say and also give an update on how things are on my end for those who still keep up with me and or consider me a friend. With that aside, I still want to try and give you guys an update and maybe communicate with those I owe like many reviews to but haven't gotten to yet.  I hope this also helps you guys understand what's also been happening on my end as well and maybe explain why I haven't been on and or on and off more than often. 

To start off, I wanted to say that there were many things that I have had to deal to with many things in life including but not limited to: having difficult mental health days caused by social anxiety, depression, and my ADHD, or even all three at once (and no, I'm not going to make excuses for it) and having an uphill battle at times with them too, my cat dying on my actual birthday which itself was one of the bittersweet ones that I have and I would be lying if I did say that I hadn't been sobbing that day as I did cry so many times then after my dad and I had to make the hardest decision of having him be euthanized that day, because that's what I've been doing since then causing me to not be fully myself yet also trying to get by through work (and I think the students picked up on it as well even if none of them asked me about it unless it was mentioned) as well as for the next few months (and even into April's Camp Nanowrimo), also had to deal with my dad's bladder cancer or at least worries of it coming back since he definitely struggled with it last summer but then he was cancer free until he had dealt with other health problems and that lead back to him possibly having to deal with it again or would but so far he's doing far better and is currently (and hoping that he) is cancer-free, dealing with the stress of my work seeing as I had various of issues from getting more sick month after month as my immune system wasn't at its best, my aunt having to go to the hospital twice due to her health, and also other personal problems that I won't dive too much into as they're still hard to discuss.  I admit that mostly due to that, I had no energy, let alone, had any time or will to do many things that I might try and get to such as reading other people's fanfictions but also reviewing them as well as writing my own stories.  There's also been times where I also had to deal with the pain of grief and loss with my cat at times and how it would appear sporadically and without any warning at times.  I may not burst into tears but definitely had moments of sadness and pain of knowing that my aunt and uncle on my dad's side of the family, as well as my cat, Scooter, who passed away on my birthday, were the reasons.  No matter what anybody says, let it be known that grief is also not and will never be a one size fits all.  That, and if anybody grieves without sobbing, they're not robots or monsters as I have to keep reminding people who fail to understand this, and do have actual feelings and they're still valid.  Anyway, apart from those things as well as grief, I was also struggling with writing in general.  I won't go into detail about the writing struggles as I want to save that for my Writer's Journal update and yes, there's going to be something of a giant update for sure.  I will say that it's been difficult to write at times before April but it has been good to also try and get back into it even if it's slow.  Writing, in some ways, definitely helped me cope during some of the darkest and hardest moments in life aside from BTS' music and a few other things.  I'm still glad that I was able to do so and have not lost passion for it and hope that I never will.   I think it's because of writing, it's one of the reasons that I still have been doing my best to keep on going on in life. 

Also, while I may of have not gotten much encouragement and well-wishes in April's Camp Nanowrimo and don't know if it was because it was a busy time for everyone then (but am hoping that's the case) or if I said or did something to unintentionally offend, hurt, and or did something--I'm aware there are times that I can be drunk with tiredness and say things without thinking--and impulsive, oh good gosh.  I won't excuse myself for that either and do apologize if I have offended, said, and or hurt anybody unintentionally or did something and if you do have a problem with me or anything I say or do in general, going to be pretty honest, I would rather you communicate with me about it rather than hide it--as I'm more observant and sensitive than I let on and do notice the way people treat me and do just want to get that out there.  You can definitely message me if and when you can and or need to talk to me.  I definitely am willing to communicate as well as work on fixing any problems that people have with me and so on.  It's definitely my fault if I'm to owe to it.  If it wasn't me then I hope that it was because life, busy schedules, and or other things were happening then I also understand that completely. I still enjoyed seeing other people's progress as well reading their Novel Nests about their writing methods to what goals they had accomplished. If not goals, other things that had pertained to writing.  At least a few of them also definitely helped me to continue on with my writing journey whether they realized it or not and am thankful for that.  Oh, and  I still want to thank anybody who stopped by my Novel Nest during then.  Also, additional shoutout to anybody who's still conversing with me outside here whether it's Twitter and or Discord. It's very much appreciated.   Oh, and am very thankful to some of my friends outside of here who still have encouraged, motivated, and or tried to help me in going with April's Camp. You have no idea how much that means to me! ❤️ 

Aside from that, I do want to mention that I'm now on Summer Break and that had started after I got out of school, err, work on May 24, 2024 which is the actual last day of school for the year or until mid or late August. I've also had to deal with saying goodbye with the students in the fifth grade class and the same class that I had worked with last year when they're in fourth grade and had started my job as a Teacher's Assistant. My deepest regret is not saying goodbye to these two boys that I got to work closely during this school year and have done the very best I could to make sure they not only did their work and tasks as they should or paid attention to the teachers but also do my best to help guide them in the right direction as well as make good decisions and prepare them for middle school.  They definitely were fun to work with and I'll always have memories of working with them both either together and or individually.   They also both inspired me to write two separate characters based off of them and for written projects or stories that I have not mentioned on here as well.  They also taught me how to recognize the needs students more but also how to laugh more at times.   The one on one I had, whom I call Ian, had definitely made me laugh often times, was silly and goofy, and definitely had a knack for doing things that shocked other adults and students but in a good way.  I definitely had felt like he was the son that I never had and also did my best to talk as well as teach him lessons if and when he needed.  He also did like to draw random things, play video games and talk about it with me but later on moved onto Youtube videos and memes, and would always find a way to spin himself on this chair he would find in the class at times. Oh, and lay down at random times when he wasn't supposed to as well, but he was such a joy to work with.   He's what I would describe as: "This kid." but in a very appreciative way. The other student, Tobias, had struggled with focusing and doing his schoolwork as well.  He was needing assistance with doing things he didn't want to do and found boredom in, such as writing, and guess I was the opposite of him: being good at writing--like not actual writing and also helping him with organization.  During the time whenever I had to work with him, I had to push him to do his best as well as encourage and motivate him to keep going.  There have been good and bad days as well yet somehow, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.   There were many times where he tried to test the boundaries whether it's being sneaky or getting away with not doing work but I would also made sure that he made good decisions, get his work done, and or not let him get away with his sneaky ways (or tried to, and if I failed, luckily the teachers who work with him, were always there to help me with it). Of course, there were times that I also let him be independent as he needed those times. There was also the manner of him also struggling with not having any manners and being polite, so I often did my best to remind him to do so.  He wasn't fond of me doing so admittedly but as time went on, he surprised me a few times and was able to be politer and kinder than he seemed to be in the beginning of the year.  He would talk about a variety of things such his favorite Football player to Fortnite whenever he could or was in the mood to do so, also tried to joke at times, and he even once had given me something that he claimed he didn't want.  Just like Ian, I wasn't definitely going to forget him and will remember him for a long time.  I also will remember the other fifth grade students that I worked with seeing how many of them were definitely fun, lovely, and wonderful to work with.  I actually connected most of them through doing this awesome thing called: Word of The Day (or in some cases: Words of The Week and while a few boys dropped out of it, am glad that I was able to give them as much words as I could) which was normally done through lunch time or in some cases: Recess or in one student's case: waiting for the second dismissal bell to ring after school.  I definitely have felt immense sadness as the day ended not only because I know that I won't see most of them again but also, I had regrets not saying goodbye to them without being able to impart with the words of wisdoms, best wishes for the summer, and making sure they knew I would be rooting and supporting them in life.   If I could, I would definitely have told them what they needed to hear, wished them well, and maybe give them high fives, hugs, or even a handshake. That being said, life does and will go on, and even if I may cross paths with many of them again, do hope many of them will be okay and hoping for the best in their future.   I'm glad that I was able to get photos with many of them too so there's also that.  They're definitely going to be one of the most memorable class that I've worked with so far this year.  I definitely am going to miss alot of them as well and even the ones that I haven't interacted much with or even tried to. Apart from the students, I also had to say goodbye to some coworkers who were moving on including two who had retired: the fifth grade teacher I worked with and the principal of the school.  It was definitely bittersweet.   Am hoping that next year, in spite of the different students that I have to work with, that everything will go well and or if it doesn't, I still learn from it. I definitely have learned alot from this school year as well and enjoyed it immensely in spite of even the difficult and trying times and stress that I had to endure. 

I owe people reviews on their story and am planning to get to doing that seeing as I'm on Summer break from school as I mentioned earlier.  There's a huge consideration to also open a Reviews thread in the Request Central area of the forums seeing as I would actually like to try and do reviews more often.  It's not to say that I don't want to the reviews on my own time...I still do. There's definitely works from people that I either owe or have been meaning to take time reading.  It's just been a struggle for me to work on reviews especially if I know that I'm not going to be fully invested and leave a half-hearted review.   It's worse when social anxiety is a constant bitch that reminds you that people hate you all the time and if I leave a half-hearted review, there's a chance that it rears its head so there's that.  I do, again, want to apologize for seemingly flaky, absent, and or being that awful friend who's on and off, or like that annoying, awkward, social weird family member who appears every, I don't know, holiday season or Thanksgiving and doesn't contribute much to conversations but there's just been so much going on in my life and even when I want to talk about it to people, I guess I don't know who to converse with about it and so I take some time to recharge and try and do what's best for my mental health at times.  I do hope to come on here as much as I can though in spite of it and do love seeing people talk and update their works as well but hopefully in a non-creepy but more supportive way if that even makes any sense.  I apologize for anything I may of have said if that weirded some of you out. I also have to admit that I'm not always online (and if it shows that I am then I forgot to sign off so may have to work on doing that more) as it shows by the way. 😅

In spite of the wall of texts I type, in actuality, I'm more of a private person than most people give me credit or know me for but I digress.  I'm definitely also wanting to mention the Random Short Stories that I have been writing for Camp NanoWriMo is still being worked on but I have more things I want to add and that excites me.  I also have actually gone back to writing.  I admit there's also works that I'm taking a break from due to what's happening in my life and trying to cut on writing projects that either hold no importance or would prefer to write second to the other stories I've been trying to write for my writing project.   These stories include but are not limited to:  Harry Potter: Come What May, Chimera's Light, my Stranger Things fanfiction: The Quiet Before The Storm, and my Pokemon fanfiction: The Roar of Time and some other written projects not mentioned on here.  It was hard to put them aside but if I had more passion, drive, and or even interest in them, I'd still be working on them.  I definitely wanted to write Come What May for sure but for now, it's on the backburner as it doesn't interest me as Starxis Legend would.  This doesn't mean that it's the end of writing it--it's just me taking a break from it.   That being said, I still am hoping to slowly work on reviewing people's works and also hoping to maybe work on trying to publish the stories for my Random Short Stories collection. 

Aside from those things I've mentioned, there also have been positives in my life as well. I have gotten into the show: Fallout (based off the video game series) and I love it already even though it's grim but the dark comedy, the oldies music, the plot of the show so far, both Norman and Lucy Maclean's characters as well as the Ghoul and Maximus is what keeps me watching this show! Oh, and C404X too because as brutal as she is--I love dogs too!  I'm also trying to work on catching up with The Summer I Turned Pretty Season 2 as well as Bridgerton as well since I do want to be caught up before Season 3 Part 2 releases next month! That, and I love Penelope Featherington--character wise and very excited to see her and Colin Bridgerton shine this season! ❤️ I'm also trying to do my best to work on journaling seeing as I truly want to be able to get back into it and it's been helping me release my emotions when it's hard to talk it out with people at times, building (or complete building) this LEGO set I got a few months ago for the Spring season,  work back on cutting this caffeine drink I'm kind of addicted to,  trying to get back to blogging on my personal (as well as my writing blog) also trying to look into buying a new computer monitor (seeing as I actually need on as I'm using the Amazon Fire TV and I don't particularly enjoy it and have been since like 2 years ago?),  get back to the wonderful world of reading since I had paused from doing so and miss it immensely and hoping to partake in the Summer Reading program, and also working on some writing or more so, plots and things pertaining to it, that I may not talk about just yet.   I also got Stardew Valley earlier this month and got back to playing a bit of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth as far as video games go and that's also been pretty good.  The weather has been pretty good for the most part although it was stormy today and a few days ago so it's sunny as I hoped it would be.  I still enjoy it for when it does rain as that without the thunder does comfort me as well as the sunny days, went to a baby shower on Saturday (and got to reunite with some of the ladies in the Bible Study including two of my friends) which was great and so happy for one of my friends and her baby girl and praying and hoping for many wonderful blessings for both of them and their family, have Bible Study resume tomorrow evening, and have been considering volunteering to help with this fun event for Church but am not sure about going on with it unless my family tells me we may have plans since I think they might but we'll see.   But yeah, it's not always bad in spite of things happening.  So I'm glad there's also those positives to look at! 

If you took the time in your day to read this as well as have gotten this far--thank you. I very much do appreciate it immensely.  I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to be fully active or not there.  Just know that I'm still thinking about the reviews alongside the Writer's Journal questions that I owe people and am hoping to get to it. There's also about a few stories that I'm also hoping to get started to work on and one includes @Lost_Robin's The Tortured Poets Department Challenge which I'm definitely still trying to draft and work on for sure.  I feel like I have a piece that's still shaping but also coming along nicely and truly hoping to change the "Maybe" to "Yes" in the challenge.  I will definitely try and talk about my writing in my Writer's Journal as well as my main and writing blog outside of this site.  For now, I hope that each and one of you are doing well so far.  If not, I sincerely and do hope things will get better for you, for now, I hope that you do have a lovely and wonderful day, night, afternoon, evening, morning, and do take care! ❤️

-Diana/Di

Edited by starlitcastles
added, took out, or you know just edit what is needed

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Oregonian

Posted

Yep, I read the whole blog all the way through.  It's true that it's hard to find time for writing when there is so much other stuff we have to do.  I sympathize because I find myself in the same dilemma -- outside doing yard work until the sun has long since dropped over the horizon and the light is beginning to drain out of the sky.  So as a result I posted exactly nothing during April NaNo, but L always enjoyed and appreciated your periodic Novel Nest posts of encouragement and enthusiasm.  I loved how you always said, "You can do this!"  It's true, you know.  There's no unsurpassable reason why I can't do my yard work and my writing also, I just have to figure out how to manage that.

It is sad about the many things you have been having to deal with, in your family and your job, a string of challenges and losses involving people, and a cat, whom you care about.  I hope that the summer vacation will be a time when things settle down for you.  Wishing for good things to come your way...

Vicki

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Felpata_Lupin

Posted

Everything Vicki said! :hug:

Also, regarding Camp NaNo... I feel like there was a lack of interaction in general this round, definitely had nothing to do with you writing anything offensive (I know I've been terrible at interacting in other nests, but then, again, I'm always terrible at it 😅 But it was just very quiet in general, even in the tag thread, so definitely nothing regarding you personally)

And believe me, I know how hard it is sometimes to shut that little voice in your head that keeps telling you "no one cares about me" or "everyone hates me", even if rationally you know there are thousands of reasons why that person didn't do (yet) that thing you expected them to do... and I think it's even easier to fall in that trap in regards of online relationships, because it's not "real life" you know?

As for grief, I totally agree... we are all different and we all grieve differently and there isn't a way that is more legitimate than another... tears aren't mandatory... sometimes grief can be expressed by general sadness or apathy and that's okay, no one can dictate how we deal with our emotions

Wishing you all the best, both in writing and in life in general! :wub:

:freeze: :hug:

Chiara

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starlitcastles

Posted (edited)

On 5/28/2024 at 11:26 PM, Oregonian said:

Yep, I read the whole blog all the way through.  It's true that it's hard to find time for writing when there is so much other stuff we have to do.  I sympathize because I find myself in the same dilemma -- outside doing yard work until the sun has long since dropped over the horizon and the light is beginning to drain out of the sky.  So as a result I posted exactly nothing during April NaNo, but L always enjoyed and appreciated your periodic Novel Nest posts of encouragement and enthusiasm.  I loved how you always said, "You can do this!"  It's true, you know.  There's no unsurpassable reason why I can't do my yard work and my writing also, I just have to figure out how to manage that.

It is sad about the many things you have been having to deal with, in your family and your job, a string of challenges and losses involving people, and a cat, whom you care about.  I hope that the summer vacation will be a time when things settle down for you.  Wishing for good things to come your way...

Vicki

 


Hello Vicki!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this Vicki as it does mean alot to me that you did! ❤️ (yellow heart <3). Yeah, I do recall talking about doing yardwork and that seems very time consuming but am glad that you're able to at least get some writing done even if it wasn't, say, published, from what I recall reading your updates about it. Ahhh, thank you for also reading the minimal updates that I have posted onto my Novel Nest.   Yeah, that definitely makes sense and still believe that you can do it in spite of having to also working on the yard.  Hopefully, you'll be able to find time to also do both of them.   It definitely can be difficult at times to write, yes, but do give yourself credit if you do get to do both of them and or even if you don't always get to write.  You're still always trying to do your best and that's one of the best things you do in spite of not always getting to write.  ❤️ 

Yeah, it's definitely been difficult to deal with especially knowing that my cat loved Summer as that was his time to go outside to bask in the sun on his back in the backyard or when I would recall memories of him being Explorer Cat and liked to venture outside our backyard and to the neighbors' yards on either side.   There's also the matter of calling his name and seeing him sprint towards us as he would clap as we called his name.  He reminded me of a dog in that sense.  Oh, and he was definitely old but we always said that he got it until the remaining months of his life when he grew immensely weaker.  Still, will always definitely treasure  the fond memories in my heart just knowing that we got to spend many years with him. ❤️  I'm still also still trying to move on from the pain of not being able to properly said goodbye to two of the fifth graders, or I should say, now sixth graders but also saying goodbye to the ones that I have properly expressed goodbyes to or talked about their next chapter in life and also the season of Summer.  Wishing that the last two weeks dragged out so I had more time with them and said goodbye properly to Tobias and Ian as well.  Still immensely sad that I haven't done so and know I will definitely move on for sure but it’s been hitting me and I don’t understand why I’m struggling more with that than anything. Thank you so much for the well wishes, it's always very much appreciated! ❤ ️ Here's to hoping that Summer will help me seeing as I still have friends I do want to hang out with, a Bible Study to go to, and things I must occupy my mind and also things I want and have to do!  Oh, and will try to get back to eventually reviewing more of The Crofter and Snake once I’m able to organize or schedule a proper Reading and To Do List–just need to overcome and work on somethings! 😅

Thanks again so much for dropping by and taking time to read this! Hope you’re having a lovely, wonderful, and awesome day as well as week, the rest of the week, Summer, and the rest of this year! 💛

For now: take care! 💛
-Diana/Di

 

On 5/29/2024 at 1:07 AM, Felpata_Lupin said:

Everything Vicki said! :hug:

Also, regarding Camp NaNo... I feel like there was a lack of interaction in general this round, definitely had nothing to do with you writing anything offensive (I know I've been terrible at interacting in other nests, but then, again, I'm always terrible at it 😅 But it was just very quiet in general, even in the tag thread, so definitely nothing regarding you personally)

And believe me, I know how hard it is sometimes to shut that little voice in your head that keeps telling you "no one cares about me" or "everyone hates me", even if rationally you know there are thousands of reasons why that person didn't do (yet) that thing you expected them to do... and I think it's even easier to fall in that trap in regards of online relationships, because it's not "real life" you know?

As for grief, I totally agree... we are all different and we all grieve differently and there isn't a way that is more legitimate than another... tears aren't mandatory... sometimes grief can be expressed by general sadness or apathy and that's okay, no one can dictate how we deal with our emotions

Wishing you all the best, both in writing and in life in general! :wub:

:freeze: :hug:

Chiara

Hi Chiara!


Thank you so much for dropping by and commenting on this as it means alot! ❤️ As for Camp Nanowrimo, yeah, that does make sense in terms of lack of interaction I mean or at least it makes sense. True, most of the time that it’s definitely not doing with me although my brain likes to convince me otherwise and having to shut it up.  (Also no worries on your end, I definitely understand and that makes sense.  I don’t seem like it but still feel me being horrible and awkward at it in spite of me having done so many times so I understand you and also understand. Thanks for letting me know though as it’s much and often appreciated.  That, and it helps me understand from your point of view.  Ahh yeah, that also make sense and guessing maybe it’s either a very busy time or there’s alot going on that not many would know in terms of behind the scenes and or in the lives of others if that makes sense. Still, thank you for reassuring me in that regard. ❤️  Also have tried not to take it personally but still have to say something just in case.  Again, thank you for taking the time to comment on this! :) 💛

Yeah, I’m sorry that you also know what that’s like and also for letting me know as it’s always reassuring and a good reminder that hey, I’m not alone as I think I am going through this, you know? I hope that you also know that the same goes for you too if you ever feel that way. ;w; Definitely am here for you if and when you ever need to talk or anything, really or will try my best to be here for you as well. ❤️ Yeah, I feel like I do have parents and the Women’s Bible Study but it’s hard for me to fit in or maintain friendships in my real life so I often have very few people to reach out to and or even talk to about personal and or deep things that I need to vent, rant, and or talk about at times.  I’m hoping to work on improving the relationships that I have with the women in the Bible Study though as it’s been one of the better things in my life so far or at least social life wise.  😅

I also understand that we all grieve differently as well and have been learning that after losing so many people and even when I have said goodbye to the fifth graders and knowing they're still here and always hoping they'll get to become good people and live out their dreams. ;w;  I know that I’m glad that you understand often but honestly, it’s been refreshing and helpful for me when I do talk about things and feel alone only to have another person remind me that I’m not alone or  “Hey, other people, like me deal with it too.” as it’s a great reminder for me to be.   Anyway, apart from that, I do concur that tears aren’t mandatory and that it can be expressed in other ways like you mentioned with general sadness and apathy. I actually had a student that I said goodbye to who asked me about it even though it was only the last day of school. I told him that it’s okay if he’s not crying like his classmates were and that his feelings were valid even if he didn’t cry or outwardly express similar reactions that his classmates had done so on the last day of school.  You’re right when you also say that nobody can dictate how we deal with our emotions. Definitely going to try and remember this anytime people try to challenge others with how to grief and so on.  Thank you again. ❤️ 💛

I also want to thank you again for everything that you have said and for taking the time to leave a comment on here. It means alot. Hope that you’re having a lovely, wonderful, and fantastic week as well as weekend and the rest of the Susmmer season!  Thanks for the words of comfort, reminding me that I’m not alone, and the well wishes! Sending you many warm badger hugs and love. 💛💛:hug:

Thanks again for dropping by!  Here’s to hoping that I’ll be able to properly answer all those WJ questions at some point this season as well as continue reading Jimmy Portman as well as your other works! For now, have a lovely day, night, evening, afternoon, and so on! 💛

-Diana/Di
 

Edited by starlitcastles
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